Everything you need to know about John Edwards’ mistress

After learning who [Edwards] was, she gave her business card to one of Edwards’ aides.

“It said, ‘Rielle Hunter. Being is free,’ ” she recalled.

Filed under: John Edwards

King-size Simpson imitates King-size Homer

Remember when Homer intentionally gained weight so he could go on disability? (clip)

Meet Donna Simpson, who may actually be related:

A New Jersey mother of two has announced she’ll stick to a calorie-laden, ultra-sedentary lifestyle in her effort to tip the scale as one of the world’s heaviest women.

Donna Simpson, 42, already weighs 600 pounds. She hopes to add another 400 to her frame within two years.

To do it, she’s eating 12,000 calories a day and trying to move as little as possible.

Filed under: Television, comedy, obesity

The 10 worst movies I paid money to see

You won’t find “Patch Adams” or “Gigli” on this list — some train wrecks you know to avoid.

I can only think of two occasions when I bought a ticket for a movie I knew would suck:

10.) “Fast Food” starring Jim “Hey Vern” Varney and the guy who played Jo’s boyfriend on “The Facts of Life.” A friend of mine was an extra. His big head made a very brief cameo.

9.) “Battlefield Earth” I’ll never pass up an opportunity to mock Scientology, but this was work.

The rest:

8.) “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” I loved the book, respect the director (Clint Eastwood) and admire the actors (John Cusack, Kevin Spacey). Together they produced a colossal flop. Should’ve been a mini-series, a la “Tales of the City.”

7.) “The Secret of My Success” Not a single 80s cliche left behind.

6.) “Top Gun” Responsible for making Tom Cruise a star and for introducing the line, “You’re writing checks your butt can’t cash.”

5.) (tie) “Hollywood Ending” One of three Woody Allen movies I walked out on, and I’m a fan; “Celebrity” Of all the bad Woody impressions, Kenneth Branagh’s was the most insufferable.

4.) “Magnolia” Only a sadist would subject a dying Jason Robards to Tom Cruise warbling Aimee Mann.

3.) “Reality Bites” Makes you want to apologize for living in the 90s.

2.) “St. Elmo’s Fire” A stalker gets the girl, a debutante attempts suicide by shivering to death and Mare Winningham dons a girdle.

1.) “Very Bad Things” More soulless than a snuff film.Dishonorable mention: “Revenge” (starring Kevin Costner), “The Distinguished Gentleman” (Eddie Murphy), “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” (The second “Godfather” sequel was not Francis Ford Coppola’s shittiest film. “Jack” was probably worse, but I can’t confirm — my masochism has boundaries).

More: “1969,” starring Kiefer Sutherland and Robert Downey Jr.; “Born on the Fourth of July“  (yet another appearance by Tom Cruise).

Filed under: Film

Bigger epidemic: Sex addiction or hoarding?

According to reality TV, it’s hoarding, the subject of competing shows on A&E and TLC. As we speak VH-1 is prepping a series on celebrity hoarders, starring Richard Moll (Bull from “Night Court”) and Jake from “Jake and the Fatman.”

Filed under: Television, disorder du jour

What’s less convincing?

Kevin Costner’s Southern accent in “JFK” or his Boston brogue in “Thirteen Days?” There is no wrong answer, as both are dreadful. Let’s hope he never gets cast as a mob boss.

Filed under: Film

“If it bends, it’s funny …”

Woody Allen’s best films, “Hannah and Her Sisters” and “Crimes and Misdemeanors,” share a similar protagonist: Woody the noble schlub. I much prefer that character to Woody the morally ambiguous lothario.Alan Alda deserved an Oscar.

Filed under: Film

More whining from Chris Brown

Apparently radio isn’t giving him a fair shake. Redirect your pity, forthwith.

Filed under: Music, Obnoxious celebrities, domestic violence

“The Simpsons” and Eric Massa

Excellent observation from a reader on Andrew Sullivan’s blog:

This seems to be another case of life-imitates-The-Simpsons — specifically, the episode where incarcerated attempted murderer Sideshow Bob calls into (the obvious parody of) Limbaugh’s program and casts himself as a conservative unfairly railroaded by the liberal justice system. Limbaugh turns him into a martyr.

Click here for “The Simpsons” episode (go to the 3:00 mark). Here’s the imitation:

Filed under: Television, comedy, parody, satire

*Corey Haim makes this a good SEO headline

Pass the Viagra

Days Inn musings, or things I learned watching Larry King:

• Hef ain’t such a cool cat after all. Coreys Haim and Feldman attended his Super Bowl Party. Dick Van Patten watched the Oscars at the Playboy Mansion. “Guess who I saw in the grotto? Bruce Boxleitner!”
• Don’t you know Corey Feldman will milk the hell out of the other one’s death? And how does he afford a personal assistant? (If that was your job, would you admit it? “So what do you do? I’m a Wal-Mart greeter.”
• Does starring with Corey Feldman in a sequel to “License to Drive” qualify as a comeback?
• What’s the over/under we’ll hear this before week’s end: “Coming up, a one-on-one with Ryan O’Neal, speaking out for the first time about the Oscars snub of his beloved Farrah.” Corey Feldman won’t be the only has-been squeezing the teet!

*What SEO means

Filed under: 15 minutes

I bet Hugo would send them to prison

Sean Penn can be such an insufferable dipshit. Last Friday, appearing in the echo chamber with Bill Maher, Penn suggested prison time for reporters who tell the truth about Venezuelan DICTATOR Hugo Chavez.

“[E]very day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it! And accept it. And this is mainstream media, who should – truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies.”

How ’bout prison time for useful idiots like Penn?

Filed under: Hugo Chavez, Obnoxious celebrities