It’s all about the upholstery sales

Rarely has a tweet contained so many self-absorbed cliches as this one by Justin Bieber, responding to the unwelcome mat laid out by his prospective Buckhead neighbors.

The week in stupid: Beyonce, birthers and Chris Brown as Black Jesus

In case you missed it …

♦Beyonce, blander than unflavored yogurt, somehow tilted the earth’s axis by unexpectedly releasing a new album.  The reaction was a bit much.

When Beyoncé walks, she tells us, she walks with a vengeance. When she enters the room, she commands every eyeball and ear her way. And what an entrance it was, the release of her surprise fifth album, the consistently dazzling BEYONCÉ, which landed on iTunes without previous announcement last night.

♦Foxbot Megyn Kelly may insist Jesus is white, but her brother R. Kelly begs to differ. Jesus is not only not white, he apparently walks among us. Just be careful not to piss him off.

The ones that’s talking about Chris Brown, or R Kelly, or anybody that’s successful? I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”

♦And finally, the government official who verified and approved the release of President Obama’s birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii died this week in a plane crash. Obviously the president had her shot down by a drone.

How amazing, the State Health Director who verified copies of Obama’s “birth certificate” died in plane crash today. All others lived

4:32 PM – 12 Dec 2013

Someone give Russell Simmons a box of Kleenex

Russell Simmons, who in 2011 scolded us for “dragging (Chris Brown) away from his art,”  just wrote the year’s most embarrassing mash note:

The Genius That Is Kanye West by Russell Simmons

I recently sat down with Ye in New York and got the chance to hear about his hopes and ambitions, his frustrations and contradictions, his happiness and his anger. But through it all, what I felt from Kanye was an artist who desperately wants to leave his imprint in the history books. What’s often times misunderstood about Kanye is that people believe he wants all of this for himself, in fact, quite the opposite, he wants all of this for the rest of us. He wants to destroy the glass ceiling with 808′s and crack musicso one day WE have the power to see all of the lights. Certainly he wants a piece for himself…everybody would, but at his core, at the bottom of his heart, lies an inner-truth that has led to an external battle to make this world a bit easier for those who have been dealt a hand of struggle, by showing them a glimmer of hope through his art. …

(Kanye)  is a mad-scientist kind of mad. One who wants to uplift his people to the top of the mountain, so in unison, they can chant from the top of their lungs, “No One Man Should All That Power!” He is fighting for his generation, his people, his country, his planet earth….like a motherfuckin’ monster!

We will no longer be lost in the world and we will survive in this America. I believe these truths to be self-evident. That is what Kanye West told me on a cold morning in New York City just seven days ago. It is his genius, his tenacity, his creativity, his relentlessness and his madness, that will allow us all to one day have the ability to touch the sky.

A peak into Kanye’s genius:

“I really do believe the world can be saved by design,” he said.

Chris Brown is a product of our times

Don’t let the headline fool you — I don’t make excuses for arrogant pricks who beat up women.

I leave that to the media enablers who Chris Brown awards and invite him to sell his product on their air despite the fact he’s taken no responsibility for beating the shit out of his former girlfriend. To the Rosie O’Donnell’s of the world who think everyone is a victim — even Chris Brown. And to those who tell us self-promotion isn’t to be discouraged, but celebrated.

You rationalized Chris Brown — live with the consequences.

“Well, I would say I’m an inspirational guidelines book. You can take my life story or scenarios or songs and relate to them, and apply them to your everyday life. You know, whether it be personal or musical, I just think I’m a walking art piece, just a ball of creativity.”


It’s okay to hate on Gwyneth Paltrow (UPDATED)

She sure has it rough.

“I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening,” said the polarizing Paltrow. “When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult. I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”


“Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I’m so tired.”

“I think that women, especially women in my job, come to me because they know I’m very loving and nonjudgmental and I’m not competitive, and I’ve been through a lot.” [Harper’s]

“Having survived her 10th London winter (she got through January by assigning it “international month,” and amusing Moses and his big sister, Apple, 9, with a visiting Italian chef, Japanese anime screenings, and hand-rolled-sushi lessons, no less), Paltrow admits that her dreams of relocating the family to their recently acquired residence in Brentwood, California, are becoming ever more urgent. [Harper’s Bazaar]

On taking a retreat to Sedona, Arizona:

“I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the red rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say: ‘You have the answers. You are your teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”

Go here for 41 more odious Paltrow quotes.


Pot to kettle: F*** you!

Ted Cruz, in his bid to become a one-man branch of government, actually said this Tuesday as the U.S. Senate debated funding the government:

“There is a tendency in this town toward brinksmanship, towards pointing to events that can cause instability and uncertainty and using them to try to get your way.”


List of most influential conservatives says it all

Note that this list was compiled by, a conservative website.

Three talk show hosts are in the Top 10: Beck, Hannity and Limbaugh. A fourth, Mark Levin, ranks 12th.

Ranking 3rd?

3) Sarah Palin: The former VP candidate has a fanatical following, regularly makes news for her attacks on the Obama Administration, and did more to get women elected in 2010 than any one human being ever has before in a single election cycle. Palin has enormous juice, but the key question is always, “What is she going to do with it? Run for office? Get other Republicans elected? Become the conservative Oprah?” Time will tell.


A thesis script too far

This is what happens when you spend too much time — which in this case would be 1 minute — pondering the significance of a fame-starved moron’s performance at an awards show.

 But the shock that Cyrus was peddling wasn’t sex. It was all about race.

Cyrus has spent a lot of time recently toying with racial imagery. We’ve seen Cyrus twerking her way through the video for her big hit “We Can’t Stop,” professing her love for “hood music,” and claiming spiritual affinity with Lil’ Kim. Last night, as Cyrus stalked the stage, mugging and twerking, and paused to spank and simulate analingus upon the ass of a thickly set African-American backup dancer, her act tipped over into what we may as well just call racism: a minstrel show routine whose ghoulishness was heightened by Cyrus’s madcap charisma, and by the dark beauty of “We Can’t Stop” — by a good distance, the most powerful pop hit of 2013.

That’s giving way too much credit to Cyrus, the latest in a long line of privileged white kids to appropriate hip-hop culture, with cartoonish results. Equally laughable is the notion that she is responsible for “the most powerful pop hit of 2013.” (Perhaps Jody Rosen is actually a pen name for onetime Malcontent foil Duane Moody?)

Rosen concludes by warning, “A doctoral dissertation could (and will) be written on the racial, class, and gender dynamics of Cyrus’s shtick.” Paging Naomi Wolf.

Solemn celebrities sermonizing smugly

There’s an unmistakable template for socially conscious videos featuring politically active celebs, from the “Give Peace a Chance” reboot on the eve of the first Gulf War to the insufferable “Yes We Can” dirge produced by in 2008.

The latest, “I Am Bradley Manning,” is as laughably smug as you’d expect, with Maggie Gyllenhall and Moby trading polemics alongside Phil Donahue and Oliver Stone. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, up pops Russell Brand.