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Why would anyone see this movie?

Apparently Will Smith and son have been spending too much time in the Scientology-informed private school the popular actor runs along with his wife, Jada. What follows may be the most insufferable interview you’ll read this year.

I’ve read that you believe life can be understood through patterns.
Will:
 I’m a student of patterns. At heart, I’m a physicist. I look at everything in my life as trying to find the single equation, the theory of everything.

Do you think there is a single theory to everything?
Jaden:
 There’s definitely a theory to everything.
Will:
 When you find things that are tried and true for millennia, you can bet that it’s going to happen tomorrow.
Jaden:
 The sun coming up?
Will:
 The sun coming up, but even a little more. Like for Best Actor Oscars. Almost 90 percent of the time, it’s mental illness and historical figures, right? So, you can be pretty certain of that if you want to win—as a man; it’s very different for women. The patterns are all over the place, but for whatever reason, it’s really difficult to find the patterns in Best Actress.

Do you see patterns too, Jaden?
Jaden:
 I think that there is that special equation for everything, but I don’t think our mathematics have evolved enough for us to even—I think there’s, like, a whole new mathematics that we’d have to learn to get that equation.
Will:
 I agree with that.
Jaden:
 It’s beyond mathematical. It’s, like, multidimensional mathematical, if you can sort of understand what I’m saying.

No, 14-year-old Hollywood actor, I can’t comprehend your depth.

Maybe M. Night Shyamalan, director of the Smiths’ upcoming flick “After Earth,” will make a movie based on their theory of patterns. That Shyamalan is allowed to direct anything is a sad commentary on the state of cinema, although to hear him tell it critics fail to understand his “European sensibilities.”

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