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Why ‘Rock of Ages’ will be the worst movie ever

I was my high school newspaper’s movie critic. That doesn’t mean I saw all the movies I critiqued. I was going to hate “Three Men and a Little Lady” whether I saw it or not, so why waste the money?

Needless to say I won’t be shelling out $10 for “Rock of Ages,” which may well supplant “Battlefield: Earth” as the most appallingly awful flick ever made. For this we can thank “Glee,” that cancerous tumor masquerading as a TV show.

How do I know “Rock of Ages” will suck so badly?

  1. Tom Cruise
  2. Tom Cruise singing
  3. Tom Cruise singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me”
  4. It’s a musical
  5. Russell Brand co-stars
  6. It’s “plot” centers around “small town girl Sherrie and city boy Drew, who meet on the Sunset Strip while pursuing their Hollywood dreams”
  7. It’s a musical

Watch the trailer if you don’t believe me.


7 thoughts on “Why ‘Rock of Ages’ will be the worst movie ever Leave a comment

  1. “The Bourbon”…? Parodying the PMRC? And a cover version of “Living in Paradise”? David Lee Roth must be spinning in his gr— oh, wait a minute…

  2. But at some point, will you watch it just to see how bad it really was?

  3. Sadly, you’re probably right. But only on free TV. I have a rule against padding Scientology’s pockets, thus no Tom Cruise movies (a boycott I have zero trouble maintaining).

  4. He’s also going to sing that hilariously inane Bon Jovi song about having a loaded six string on his back, which is the unquestioned douchbag national anthem.

  5. Why would Paul Giamatti and Alec Baldwin do this? They can’t need the money.

  6. This may be the worst movie EVER. The clips you have provided are appalling.

  7. It will totally fail, Batman is out the same time and Bale will crush Cruise hopefully…on the other hand – all scientologists may be forced to buy a ticket…

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