Self-proclaimed comedian Gallagher announced Friday he is endorsing Newt Gingrich for president.
Gallagher said the former speaker shares his concerns about America’s cultural drift.
“Like me, he’s opposed to people naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!” Gingrich would re-open Guantánamo Bay except this time “we’ll be allowed to torture all the way,” Gallagher said. “We had to half-torture—that’s nothin’ compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did.”
Defending traditional marriage is another of Gallagher’s concerns. “Newt knows like I do there’s two types of lesbians — the ugly ones and pretty ones.” He’s also suspicious of “people like Cher’s daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can’t see your dick, you don’t get one.”
Most importantly, Newt doesn’t speak French, Gallagher said. “They ruin our language with their faggy words.”
Mitt Romney’s campaign shrugged off the Gallagher endorsement. “We’ve got Carrot Top,” said a top Romney adviser.
(quotes lifted nearly verbatim from a 2010 profile of Gallagher by The Stranger)