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Herman Cain’s Tiger Woods column is both frighteningly stupid and stunningly prophetic

The Godfather says anyone who takes him seriously when he says something moronic should get a sense of humor. That explains Adam Sandler’s popularity but it doesn’t explain how his 2006 column touting Tiger Woods for the presidency was intended to be a joke.

The current announced crop of 2008 Republican presidential contenders is about as inspiring as Saturday’s leftovers for Monday’s lunch. John McCain. We’ve seen that movie. (Apocalypse Now?) Do we have to watch the sequel? Rudy Giuliani. Great leader, hates terrorists, but farther to the left than a Blue Dog Democrat. Mitt Romney. Where does he stand on the issues today? (The opposite of where he stood yesterday. That, Mr. Cain, is a joke.)

Thankfully, as Monday turns to Tuesday, hope springs eternal for Friday night when, in my case, I order two pieces of fried catfish fillet and my favorite sides from my favorite restaurant. No more leftovers, no more cold sandwiches, just wide-eyed visions of spicy catfish with a dash of Tabasco. Which leads us to the 2016 presidential race. And Eldrick “Tiger” Woods. (He could erase the debt by selling the naming rights for the U.S.)

The next president, likely a lifelong politician with too much inside-the-Beltway circular thinking, will have finished his two terms by 2016. (Not sure if that’s a proper description of Barack Obama but if Cain is the nominee the current POTUS will be finishing his second term in 2016.) By then we will still be victims of Beltway politics-as-usual and impotent leadership from both parties. The voters will long for a candidate who inspires the nation with an unwavering passion to fix problems and place policy over politics. (When I think Tiger Woods I think passion. That’s not a stupid Tiger fucks prostitutes joke but a reflection on the soulless automaton sponsored by Nike who annoyed golf haters like by making the sport, er, activity, er golf more popular.)

Tiger will be 40 years old (39 of which were spent on the golf course) in 2016. The Republican Party should begin grooming him now for a run at the White House. His personal attributes and accomplishments on the golf course point to a candidate who will be a problem solver, not a politician. (Don’t blame me I voted for Craig Stadler.)

Tiger’s success on the golf course, which will translate to success in the White House, (obviously) is a product of his character, discipline and leadership by example. (Golf being a well-known team sport.) Tiger has one objective when he steps up to the first tee – win. (As opposed to his big tittied white rival, who always strove to lose.) The Republicans desperately need a candidate who will not seek personal legacies through political victories that compromise conservative ideology and increase the scope of federal government. (I have no idea what that sentence means. Perhaps that’s the joke.) Tiger’s legacy is already set .

(Pointless bio worship here)

History may bode well for a Tiger Woods presidential bid. In 1952, Dwight Eisenhower, then a popular former World War II general and Supreme Commander of Allied forces in Europe, cruised to victory with 83 percent of the electoral vote over political insider Adlai Stevenson, the Democratic governor of Illinois. (Because winning The Masters is every bit as impressive as successfully invading France and Germany during WWII.)  …

(Nothing to read here …)

How refreshing to have a political outsider run for president again. I mercifully don’t sense many phony platitudes toward a “compassionate” streak in Tiger. This is the same guy who beat the 1997 Masters Tournament field by 12 strokes – a record that still stands – at the age of 21, and then stated, “I’ve never played an entire tournament with my A-game. This was pretty close.” 

Imagine what he would do to Islamic terrorists and Nancy Pelosi. (Try to fuck them? Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

If the Democrats maintain control of Congress and the presidency through 2016, the big issues of restructuring Social Security, replacing the tax code and instilling free market forces in the health care system will still not be fixed. If the Republican Party regains the majority in Congress and retains the presidency, there is no guarantee that they will have the courage to make bold changes. Only an outsider will possess the leadership and the conviction to tackle the big issues without regard for the polls, media spin or inane promises of bipartisanship.

Tiger Woods could be an inspiring figure for the country, the likes of which we have not seen since Martin Luther King, Jr. and Ronald Reagan. Tiger’s late father Earl Woods said in 1996 that the then-young golfer “will do more than any other man in history to change the course of humanity.” (Guess that’s why Tiger couldn’t take the time to attend a ceremony marking the retirement of Jackie Robinson, who did as much for civil rights as anyone besides Martin Luther King Jr. — he’s more important than either man.)

The Republican presidential candidate in 2016 must not come from inside the Beltway. He must come from inside the fairway, for all of us.

In other words, this won’t be Cain’s last run for Oval Office. Expect him to release another book in 2016, too.

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