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The Malcontent’s one-of-a-kind Fall TV preview

Unlike other so-called critics, I don’t watch these shows. I just make reasonable snap judgments on the ones that sound most offensive.

Today I’m going to pick on the Merchant and Ivory of TV networks, the CW.

First up: H8R. Let’s just say “starring Mario Lopez” is the least objectionable thing about this series in which “celebrities go head-to-head with civilians who hate them to win their ‘haters’ over.” By celebrities they mean fame-hungry morons who appeared on MTV reality shows. Who doesn’t hate these people? Such loathing should be celebrated, not discouraged.

Now perhaps it would be interesting if Tom Cruise or Drew Barrymore confronted, say, me. But even that wouldn’t be enough to overcome the title. “Hater” is typically used by the self-absorbed to dismiss legitimate critics. Woman-beating asshole Chris Brown often complains about “haters,” as if those of us who object to women-beating assholes are the ones with the problem.

Perhaps he’ll appear in a later episode confronting a battered woman who, because of her own inadequacies, hates on Brown.

Speaking of bad titles, I’ll let the synopsis of the CW’s Hart of Dixie speak for itself.

Fast-talking New Yorker and brand new doctor Zoe Hart has it all figured out – after graduating top of her class from medical school, she’ll follow in her father’s footsteps and become a cardio-thoracic surgeon.

But when her dreams fall apart, Zoe decides to accept an offer from a stranger, Dr. Harley Wilkes, to work with him at his small practice in Bluebell, Alabama. Zoe arrives in this small Gulf Coast town only to find that Harley has passed away and left his half of the medical practice to her in his will.

She quickly finds that Southern hospitality isn’t always so hospitable – the other doctor in town, Brick Breeland, is less than pleased to be sharing the practice with this young outsider, and his daughter, Lemon, is a Southern belle whose sweet disposition turns sour when she meets Zoe.

Zoe’s only allies are the mayor, former football star Lavon Hayes, her bad-boy neighbor Wade Kinsella, and handsome lawyer George Tucker – who just happens to be Lemon’s fiance. Zoe is out of her element and ready to pack her bags, but a surprise visit by her snobby New York mother leads to Zoe’s decision to stay in Bluebell for a while, discovering small-town life and a side of herself she hadn’t known was there.

With Tim Matheson as Brick Breeland.

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