LeBron James’ ego meets its match

Sarah Palin’s infomercial set me straight:

  1. “Mama Grizzlies” are not the lesbian equivalent of gay bears, aka daddies.
  2. Coach Palin isn’t as hostile to gay rights as I assumed. She speaks of a “whole stampede of pink elephants” taking back Washington, an obvious shout out to Log Cabin Republicans.
  3. Most presidents require at least one four-year term to “get things done.” Not Sarah. She finishes the job in half the time, then resigns to serve her country in another, more profitable capacity.

She’ll be speaking in the third person in no time.

Same old spin

“We are committed to providing the American people access to complete and accurate information about our response to the BP oil spill and the resources available to assist those directly impacted,” said National Incident Commander Admiral Thad Allen. “RestoreTheGulf.gov will provide even greater transparency and openness about the BP oil spill, our historic response, the tools available to assist Gulf Coast communities, and plans for the region’s long-term recovery and restoration.”

The gulf may not be scrubbed clean, but the website sure is sanitized.

Actually, RestoreTheGulf.gov tidily sums up the administration’s underwhelming response to a national disaster: Nothing to see here. Everything’s fine.

My interview with Gallagher

The Stranger has an entertaining piece on Gallagher the melon-smasher, now “a paranoid, delusional, right-wing religious maniac.”

I can vouch for the first two, having interviewed Leo Gallagher in 2000. Only Walter Payton was more difficult, repeatedly passing gas during our chat, lifting his leg for emphasis.

Back to Gallagher. He had just sued his brother — who performed virtually the same act at smaller, more rural venues — because audiences were beginning to think “Gallagher Too” was the real thing.

Leo Gallagher was hostile from the start, insulting my questions and insisting on knowing whether I was a fan. I did my best to change the subject but he wouldn’t relent. He then accused me of not “getting” his act, which he said was influenced by the copious amounts of weed he smoked.

Meanwhile, his brother Ron (Gallagher Too) told me he was the first to smash melons with a mallet. Gallagher copied him, he said. (Gallagher insisted the melon smashing was his idea.) Their father vouched for the brother with no money, which tells you something about Leo Gallagher. The courts sided with Leo, who was granted an injunction prohibiting Gallagher Too from performing his act. Ron Gallagher, now unemployed, was forced to pay his brother damages.

Leo apparently used that money to hire a new joke writer, David Duke.

Gallagher is upset about a lot of things. Young people with their sagging pants (in faintly coded racist terms, he explains that this is why the jails are overcrowded—because “their” baggy pants make it too hard for “them” to run from the cops). Tattoos: “That ink goes through to your soul—if you read your Bible, your body is a sacred temple, YOU DIPSHIT.” People naming their girl-children Sam and Toni instead of acceptable names like Evelyn and Betty: “Just give her some little lesbian tendencies!” Guantánamo Bay: “We weren’t even allowed to torture all the way. We had to half-torture—that’s nothin’ compared to what Saddam and his two sons OOFAY and GOOFAY did.” Lesbians: “There’s two types—the ugly ones and the pretty ones.” (Um, like all people?) Obama again: “If Obama was really black, he’d act like a black guy and get a white wife.” Michael Vick: “Poor Michael Vick.” Women’s lib: “These women told you they wanna be equal—they DON’T.” Trans people: “People like Cher’s daughter—figure that out. She wants a penis, but she has a big belly. If you can’t see your dick, you don’t get one.” The Rice Krispies elves: “All three of those guys are gay. Look at ’em!” The Mexicans: “Look around—see any Mexicans? Nope. They’ll be here later for the cleanup.” The French: “They ruin our language with their faggy words.”