Dude, my name’s Brad. I work with this fairy who’s always whining about diversity and sensitivity and shit. He never laughs at anything. Cries a lot, though.
Just the other day I was telling a couple of my bros about me and my boys on the rugby team hitting on these whores at American Pie — in case you’re wondering, yeah, I put some points on the board — and, anyway, the fairy overhears us and starts screaming at me about a hostile work environment.
I said, “Shut up, fag. We’re just talkin.” And he just screamed louder and threw a stapler at me. He throws like a girl, not very hard. So I caught the stapler and wouldn’t give it back to him.
That just made him madder. He called me a brute, yelled, “Oh, why don’t you evolve?” I said, “Dude, why don’t you get a friggin life?”
The problem is they gave him some lame title like diversity coordinator at work. So he orders me into this office, turns off the lights and makes me watch some DVD about a giraffe that lives in a giraffe house, with real high ceilings and shit, and then some elephants come over and are all, like, make your house wider, dude, it’s too tall and skinny. We can’t fit. Whatever.
He explains to me how this is supposed to make me understand how different people need to understand and appreciate our differences and “embrace what makes us both different and alike in our humanity” or some crap. I told him he ain’t no giraffe and I ain’t no elephant and just take it easy, everything’s cool.
He said everything is certainly not cool and wrote me up in some report. That sort of blew over, then the other day he’s gathering up all his DVDs and brochures and junk about gays and foreigners religion and such. Said he’s taking them to the beach. I said, dude, that ain’t what I take to the beach. Maybe some videos but not that kind. Hah.
He said he feels alienated from his family and like an outcast and how I couldn’t possibly understand, and how he wants to educate and enlighten them. I said, dude, I’ve had plenty of chicks cast me out, it ain’t a big deal.
Whatever. He started tearing up talking about how they don’t care that he’s allergic to shellfish and sand and how he’s hated the beach since his big brother put a little crab down his swimsuit as a kid. (Which I laughed at, and that just got him more upset.)
Anyhow, he’s gone now. So work doesn’t suck as much.