Help! My Mom’s a Fundamentalist Wacko!

Nothing like a little holiday indoctrination: Katharine DeBrecht and Jim Hummel, the team that brought you the first two HELP! MOM! books—There are Liberals Under My Bed! and Hollywood’s in My Hamper! are back, with their funniest, most outrageous adventure yet. … Help! Mom! The 9th Circuit Nabbed the Nativity Johnny and Luke loved being in Miss Bardin’s third-grade class—especially at Christmas time, when the class put on its annual pageant, complete with a nativity scene and even an obliging donkey! But when Senator Weary, Al Snore, Congresswoman Clunkton and the whole 9th Circuit court show up demanding an end to the…

How to be the father of a straight son

Some advice to dads from fundamentalist James Dobson: “[T]he boy’s father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son’s maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just…

Elvis is leaving the building

Another Georgia institution is set to bid adieu. Gainesville’s Lantern Inn, home of the best damn Elvis impersonator alive, is shutting its doors after 41 years of business. I’m really bummed about this. I used to live just up the road from the Lantern; in fact, Mike Jones, aka Elvis, was our garbage man. I’ve eaten many meals there, and seeing “Elvis” and “Patsy Cline” live remains one of my favorite kitschy memories. One way or another, I’ll be there Sunday, hopefully writing a worthwhile epitaph for the local organ. In honor of Jones, enjoy the King.

Mahmoud and Mel

Someone’s sharing talking points: (Source) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: “Sixty million people died in the Second World War. World War II was a gigantic crime. We condemn it all. We are against bloodshed, regardless of whether a crime was committed against a Muslim or against a Christian or a Jew. But the question is: Why among these 60 million victims are only the Jews the center of attention?” Mel Gibson: “I mean when the war was over they said it was 12 million. Then it was six. Now it’s four. I mean it’s that kind of numbers game. I mean war is horrible. The…

Convert or die!

More fun with fundamentalists; now there’s a video game based on the popular “Left Behind” series of books: In Left Behind, set in perfectly apocalyptic New York City, the Antichrist is personified by fictional Romanian Nicolae Carpathia, secretary-general of the United Nations and a People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive.” Players can choose to join the Antichrist’s team, but of course they can never win on Carpathia’s side. The enemy team includes fictional rock stars and folks with Muslim-sounding names, while the righteous include gospel singers, missionaries, healers and medics. Every character comes with a life story.

Pull the string!

Malcontenter Al Kosa checks in with some suggestions for aspiring profiteers … Why stop with hooker dolls? Kids, boys and girls, should have little plastic likenesses of the potpourri of role models our society serves up: *The insider-trading, stock option rigging, employee retirement plan pillaging CEO white collar criminal doll. The Tonto to this Lone Ranger would be his little attorney doll, of course. Pull a string in their back and they talk about how the CEO believed in the company right up until he started dumping the shares. *The creepy, emaciated guy in Thailand who wants people to think he might…