Review du jour

Can’t resist. The reviewer is a man in his 30s, FYI:

Selena Gomez & The Scene – Round and Round
I HAD to post this one, because I want to get something off of my chest about it. For some reason, I wanted to hate Selena Gomez, and for a while now, I kind of have. I don’t know why, but I just have. With that being said, I recently heard this song for like the 10th time, and yet again, I didn’t want to like it, but low and behold I realized something; this song is actually quite brilliant. Not only is it catchy and super saccharine sweet, but it shows the total likability of Selena Gomez, and it highlights probably the very reason I didn’t want to like her. Well, obviously, that was a futile battle that I am happy to finally concede defeat over. Now, I can enjoy this sweet decadence in peace!

Sheldon returns

I write with a heavy heart after reading that the “Cathy” comic strip is coming to an end. I think of Cathy every time I try to squeeze into my Speedo or whenever I look at the poster above my desk that reads, “I’m more together than I look.” Hang in there, baby.

Now for some quick dish ‘n ‘dat:

*Whenever I face a tough decision I ask myself, “What would Mike Farrell do?”

*I was skeptical, but “Step Up: 3D” is the best of the Step Up trilogy.

*Asking me who’s my favorite James Bond is like asking which Tuscadero sister I prefer. But if forced to choose, I’ll go with Timothy Dalton. And Leather.

*Whatever happened to Linda Tripp?

*If the Republicans were smart they’d nominate former congressman Fred Grandy for president. The nation could use his understated common sense and quick wit. And Gavin MacLeod would make an excellent Secretary of State.

You can follow me on Twitter but unfortunately you can’t follow me to Barbara Eden’s house tonight for her annual Boggle tournament. Invitation only.

He just wants to be loved, is that so wrong?

Sheldon‘s very depressed about having only nine Twitter followers. The best of what you’ve missed:

• Is Kristy McNichol the Greta Garbo of tomboy child actresses?
• For years I thought Elton John and Olivia Newton-John were married, but of course that’s impossible since he’s British and she’s Australian.
• Whenever I get steamed, I talk like Fred Schneider and suddenly I’m not so mad anymore.
• Newsweek says gay actors aren’t convincing in straight roles. Apparently they never saw Paul Lynde as Uncle Arthur.
• Just finished Paul Reiser’s “Couplehood” — it was every bit as delightful the fourth time. Next up: “The Bridges of Madison County”
• How come Angela Lansbury never had sex on ‘Murder She Wrote?’ She was rich, attractive and always seemed to be going up in a hot air balloon
• Bring back “Becker” — stat!
• Frances McDormand was so miscast in “Fargo.” I would’ve loved to see Jamie Gertz sink her teeth into that role.
• Just wondering: So many people seem to use Netflix, but I never see any Netflix deliverymen.
• I’ll be hosting a retrospective of Dixie Carter’s film career tonight at my West Hollywood apartment.

Follow Sheldon on Twitter!

shelgreenbriar

1. Is there an accent Kevin Costner hasn’t mastered? 3 minutes ago via web
2. Happy Mother’s Day, Mama Greenbriar. Thanks for introducing me to the comic stylings of Rita Rudner. Hugs and guffaws, Love Shelly! 15 minutes ago via web
3. Tyler Perry should remake “Patch Adams” with an African-American cast. “Patches Adams,” starring Will Smith — a blockbuster w/ heart. 17 minutes ago via web
4. Frances McDormand was so miscast in “Fargo.” I would’ve loved to see Jamie Gertz sink her teeth into that role. 23 minutes ago via web

Sheldon joins Twitter

Keep up with the latest dish ‘n ‘dat @shelgreenbriar:

Is Kristy McNichol the Greta Garbo of tomboy child actresses? 2 minutes ago via web

Sheldon Greenbriar’s Spring Blurbomat

Time for some fresh dish and ‘dat:

• Just got off the phone with Gregory Sierra, Julio from “Sanford and Son.” He’s organizing a boycott of Arizona. I lost interest before he could tell me why.
• Whatever happened to Frusen Gladje?
• What was your favorite “Must-See TV” classic? “The Single Guy”? “Suddenly Susan”? “Caroline in the City”? I vote for “Veronica’s Closet.”
• I could listen to Georgia Engel talk all day long.
• Why do so many “That’s Incredible!” fans refuse to recognize “Real People,” and vice-versa? I loved ‘em both.
• Who’d you rather: Sarah Purcell or Cathy Lee Crosby? And for the ladies: John Davidson or Skip Stephenson?
• I loved Madame. Wayland Flowers, I could do without.
• Am I the only one who gets depressed at the end of awards season? Only nine more weeks until the Primetime Emmy Award nomination announcements. I’ll be presenting with Sybil Danning.
• I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from my good friend, Kenny Loggins: “I am not free if my freedom is predicated on reacting to my past.”

the best of the malcontent

• I’m rarely prescient, but on 4/25/2007 I predicted an Obama presidency;
• The “True Colors” concert didn’t go as planned: Then I told him how I had suffered from both anorexia and bulimia, at the same time. He said, “I doubt that’s possible,” which was really offensive. I got so upset I vomited my dinner on their picnic blanket and, because of that rude heterosexual, I didn’t even get to see Cyndi’s amazing version of “She Bop”;
• Introducing Sheldon Greenbriar: Bring back “Becker” — stat!
• Don’t call me self-loathing;
• Celebrating a true Atlanta hero

sheldon greenbriar’s blurbomat, end of the decade edition

My countdown to Marla Gibbs’ New Year’s Eve Party was interrupted earlier today by Scrooge McEditor, who reminded me that The Blurbomat’s “best and worst” list was due. I hate being critical, so there’s lots more best than worst. Enjoy!

• Best CD: “Motown” by Michael McDonald. Finally, a Motown album for those of us not into soul music;
• Best new artist: Diana DeGarmo. Her version of “Don’t Cry Out Loud” broke my heart;
• Best TV show: “Joey.” We lost “Friends” but gained a television treasure;
• Worst pop culture moment: The cancellation of “Joey.” I’ll say now what I said then — Why?;
• Best reason to go to the theater: The North Carolina Theatre production of “Mame,” starring my good friend, Loretta Swit;
• Best imitation of Bogart and Bacall: Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy in the delightful romp, “Witless Protection.” Bogie and Bacall were never this funny;
• Best film comedy: “The Master of Disguise,” starring the incomparable Dana Carvey. Perfect timing, too, just months after 9/11. The nation had lost its smile, and Dana helped us find it;
• Best reality show romance: Jessica Simpson and Joe Simpson (MTV’s “Newlyweds”), who reminded us that love conquers all;
• Best Hollywood crusade: The entertainment community unifying to ensure the passage of Prop. 8, which guarantees that gay people will never be forced into the antiquated institution of marriage;
• Best rivalry: CompuServe vs. Prodigy. The information superhighway can get mighty crowded.

As for 2010, in my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine!

Now back to those cocktail wienies.

sheldon greenbriar’s thanksgiving blurbomat

What am I thankful for? So many things, not the least of which is this column. Those people who say dreams don’t come true must have unrealistic dreams. 

When I was little I wanted to be the next George Lazenby, but that goal was dashed when I started losing my hair at age 15. So I pursued a career behind the scenes instead, and thank Jehovah for that! I may not be a star, but I speak their language. I know how they tick. And, unlike those other Hollywood columnists, I’m not afraid to praise celebrities.   

This year alone I’ve interviewed such showbiz luminaries as Victoria Jackson, Phillip McKeon (who charmed a nation as Linda Lavin’s teenage son on “Alice”) and Johnny Depp’s Asian partner from “21 Jump Street”. Not bad for a Protestant kid with a Jewish name from Terre Haute. 

What else am I thankful for?

• The enduring friendship of the great Meshach Taylor, who you no doubt remember as Anthony from “Designing Women”. Meshach is such a good friend; he’s the one who introduced me to Delta Burke and Gerald McRaney. Talk about Hollywood royalty! 
• Jonathan Silverman. He’s conquered stage, cinema and television, equally adept at comedy and drama. His work in the “Weekend at Bernie’s” films signaled the emergence of a new comedic icon. I once compared him to a young Jack Lemmon, but I was wrong. He’s much more talented.  
• Season 4 of “Gimme a Break!” You’ll remember that season marked the introduction of Julie’s husband Jonathan, played by, you guessed it, the sublime Jonathan Silverman. I’ve boycotted NBC ever since they canceled Jonathan’s groundbreaking show, “The Single Guy”.  
• Feb. 21, 2003, the night I first saw Bonnie Franklin’s one-woman show. Someone give that woman another series! 
• CompuServe, my gateway to the information superhighway. 
• Robin Williams. No explanation necessary. 
• The E! Network, for introducing me to those delightful Kardashian girls. I wish Bruce Jenner had been my dad!  

sheldon greenbriar’s blurbomat

So this is the part where I usually say something nasty about “Sleeza” Gibbons. No longer. Leeza and I made peace recently while serving as celebrity grand marshals at the Fall Harvest Hootenanny in Winnetka, Ill.

Our feud dates back 10 years, ever since Leeza beat me out for the coveted hosting role in the Tony Robbins infomercial. I blamed Leeza for that, but it turns out it was Tony who stabbed me in the heart. Fortunately, I found an even better spiritual adviser, Miss Cleo.

Now Leeza and I are best buds. Who knew we had so much in common? For instance, Irlene is our favorite Mandrell sister. We both thought Gavin MacLeod was Jewish. And our favorite Motown artist is Michael McDonald.

Here’s some fresh dis’ and ‘dat:

• Carnie Wilson tells me that she did not have a sexual relationship with her father. Whew!
• Ryan Reynolds reminds me of Billy Zabka, minus the ‘tude!
• Miley Cyrus would be an excellent choice to play Michael Jackson.
• I used to hate “The Simpsons,” but the new episodes are hilarious. I love it when the dad says “Dough!”
• If Lee Majors is bionic, how come he’s hawking hearing aids? What’s next, Lindsay Wagner in a Rascal?
• Whatever happened to Funky Winkerbean?

Now it’s off to Ruth Buzzi’s house for a night of charades. See you next time for more kicks and giggles!

sheldon greenbriar’s blurbomat

Some quick dis’ and ‘dat, then it’s off to the Oxnard Olive Garden for the All-Star Roast of Byron Allen, hosted by the incomparable Mindy Cohn.

*As I watched ”Julie and Julia” all I could think was ‘who’s that annoying French woman?” This would’ve been a great movie without her;

*Speaking of great movies, here’s my mini-review of “Transformers 2″: It will transform  your heart — twice;

*I never thought I’d say it, but “Teen Cribs is every bit as good as “Cribs”;

*I was prepared to boycott the new “Fame” movie, but now that I’ve learned of Debbie Allen’s participation, I can’t wait. Crossing my fingers for an Irene Cara cameo;

*Why are there no roles for Billy Zabka? Somewhere there’s a character named Chas screaming to be inhabited by Brilliant Billy;

*Forget “The Munsters” vs. “The Addams Family.” You’re either a “That’s Incredible!” person, or “Real People” people.

Since I’ll be sharing a table with both Skip Stephenson AND Sarah Purcell tonight, I’m sure you can guess which show I favor.

Stay safe, and as the song says, Live Forever!

a tweet from sheldon

Peabo scored VIP seats, though I won’t be happy unless Paul plays “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime,” “The Girl is Mine” and this undisputed classic.

seeing sir paul for free

Actually, I was paid to be there. Pretty good deal.

Those shelling out $79 to see McCartney play Piedmont Park probably didn’t expect him to perform an hour-long sound check on the concert’s eve. Of course, they’ll have better sight lines, but I got to hear complete versions of “Daytripper,” “I’ll Follow the Sun,” “All My Loving” and “Lady Madonna.” No complaints.

Sheldon Greenbriar will report live from the scene tomorrow, assuming he survives Peabo Bryson’s pre-concert bash.

spin du jour

From Paramount vice-chairman Rob Moore:

“G.I. Joe is a big, fun, summer event movie — one that we’ve seen audiences enjoy everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to Phoenix, Ariz. After the chasm we experienced with Transformers 2 between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote G.I. Joe. We want audiences to define this film.”

Last week, Paramount denied a report that it would forego advance screenings.

Malcontent correspondent Sheldon Greenbriar is surprised Paramount is hiding “G.I. Joe,” calling it “a red, white and blue blockbuster! Star Channing Tatum is America’s answer to Dolph Lundgren. Take that, you Commie bastards!”

sheldon greenbriar, reporting from the mj memorial

Questions from the Red Carpet. Answers later.

Lou Ferrigno: How does this compare to Bill Bixby’s memorial?

Dionne Warwick: If you’re really psychic, tell me when and how Leeza Gibbons will die?

Emmanuel Lewis: Was Alex Karras jealous of your relationship with Michael Jackson?

Brooke Shields: When can we expect that “Suddenly Susan” reunion?

Smokey Robinson: How are the other Four Tops?

Jermaine Jackson: Any plans to record another duet with Pia Zadora?