Tag Archives: Film

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Theme song to one of worst movies ever made rewritten to salute overhyped QB

Yes, it’s come to this: John Parr has re-recorded “St. Elmo’s Fire” as “Tim Tebow’s Fire.”

When I say “St. Elmo’s Fire” is one of the worst movies ever made I mean it. For me it ranks second to “Very Bad Things” — a close second. Let’s recap:

  • Mare Winningham in a girdle
  • Rob Lowe playing the sax
  • Andrew McCarthy pondering the meaning of life, repeatedly
  • Emilio Estevez stalking Andie MacDowell
  • Demi Moore attempting suicide by opening all the windows in her apartment on a cold day
  • Judd Nelson
  • Directed by Joel Schumacher, the hack responsible for “Batman and Robin” 
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Larry King: ‘Of all the film critic whores, Shawn Edwards is the whoriest’

“My job as a critic is to appreciate the whole spectrum of cinema. As a critic I’m allowed my opinion. I don’t understand these guys. I think as a younger guy I have a wider appreciation for all types of film. I mean, everything is not going to be a ‘Citizen Kane.’ But I’ve been quoted on two of the five movies nominated for best picture, too. So my taste can’t be all that bad. I liked ‘White Chicks,’ and that film did $75 million. I’m not ashamed. I also like ‘Million Dollar Baby’ and ‘Ray.’ But I don’t like everything. I did not like ‘Sideways.’”

That was alleged film critic Shawn Edwards defending his whoredom, from 2006. Time hasn’t made him any more discriminating, as he’s once again been named eFilmCritic’s Whore of the Year.

Yes, but the scarf gives him credibility.

  • “Cameron Diaz gets an A+! It’s flat out the funniest performance of the year.” (Bad “Teacher)
  • “Colin Farrell is unbelievably funny. **** The funniest comedy of the year!” (Horrible Bosses)
  • “**** A genuinely funny and touching comedy classic. You can’t help but love this movie!” (50/50)
  • “A total laugh riot! Rowan Atkinson has never been funnier.” (Johnny English Reborn)
  • “The Wolfpack delivers again!” (The Hangover Part II)
  • “Refreshingly funny and heartfelt. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts will put the biggest smile on your face this summer.” (Larry Crowne)
  • “The coolest, freshest and sexiest movie about life, love and relationships in years! It’s this generation’s When Harry Met sally. You’ll love this movie.” (Friends with Benefits)
  • “Great music, and good times. You’ll love it!” (Country Strong)
  • “An adrenaline fueled thrill ride with 5x the action and 5x the excitement. Five times the action, excitement and fun. A non-stop thrill ride! It will make your jaw drop and heart pound.” (Fast Five)
  • “Stylish and completely romantic! One of the most epic love stories ever.” (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1)

And of course, Edwards loved “New Year’s Eve.”

“It’s a celebration! Jump start your holidays.”

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Hollywood can’t figure out why filmgoers aren’t excited by another ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks’ sequel

It’s been a horrible year for the movie industry, the worst in 16 years. Naturally Hollywood is blaming everything but its largely unwatchable product.

The result: projected domestic revenues for the year of $10.15 billion, down 4 percent from 2010′s, according to box-office tracker Hollywood.com. Taking higher ticket prices into account, movie attendance is off even more, with an estimated 1.275 billion tickets sold, a 4.8 percent decline and the smallest movie audience since 1995, when admissions totaled 1.26 billion.

“There were a lot of high-profile movies that just ended up being a little less than were hoped for,” said Chris Aronson, head of distribution for 20th Century Fox, whose sequel “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked” has been part of an under-achieving lineup of family films for the holidays. “The fall was pretty dismal. There just weren’t any real breakaway, wide-appeal films.”

More like no appeal. It’s taken way too long but maybe, maybe, Americans have finally grown bored with the assembly line confection of schlock and sequels. Moviegoers even rejected Tom Cruise and Adam Sandler flicks this year, a development with only positive consequences.

Score one for 2011.

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The only thing worse than a hack …

Is a hack who contends he isn’t.

Ladies and gentleman, Garry Marshall, the man who introduced Robin Williams to a gullible public and director of such gems as “Runaway Bride,” “Exit to Eden,” “Valentine’s Day” and it’s follow-up, “New Year’s Eve”:

In Marshall’s defense, he was a part of one of the smartest comedy scenes ever written, from “Lost in America.” Needless to say Marshall neither wrote or directed it.

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Cosell-a-palooza

What might’ve been (excerpted from the New York Times’ review of “Howard Cosell: The Man, the Myth, and the Transformation of American Sports,” by Mark Ribowsky):

Cosell did not mind self-parody but refused Allen’s offer to play a pervert in “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex.”

I’m guessing this was the role Cosell turned down:

Sadly, according to the review, “Cosell is either forgotten or regarded as a relic of the era before ESPN seized control of televised sports. A few years ago, I was interviewing a different type of television sports star, Bob Costas, before a college audience. When we began to discuss Cosell, the students appeared flummoxed. Howard Cosell? ‘Do you want to explain him or should I?’ Costas asked. You simply had to experience Cosell back in the three-network universe, when ABC Sports was king. No one who watched Cosell could forget him or resist imitating him. “

Cosell, forgotten? Not on my watch.