I can think of only two occasions when I bought a ticket for a movie I knew would suck:

10.) “Fast Food” Starring Jim Varney and the guy who played Jo’s boyfriend on “The Facts of Life.” A friend of mine was an extra. His big head made a brief cameo.

9.) “Battlefield Earth” Leaves you pitying Scientologists.

As for the rest, I was either too young to know better or unfairly duped:

8.) “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” Entertaining travelogue, respected director, gifted actors. Aimless script, bad Southern accents, terrible movie.

7.) “The Secret of My Success” A thorough encyclopedia of 80s cliches that reminds you just how much the 80s sucked.

6.) “Top Gun” Older, gayer version of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad. Will sequel top or bottom the original?

5.) “Celebrity” Of all the bad Woody Allen impressions, Kenneth Branagh’s was the most insufferable. Soon-Yi must’ve written the script.

4.) “Magnolia” Overrated sadist Paul Thomas Anderson subjects a dying Jason Robards to Tom Cruise warbling overwrought Aimee Mann songs. At least we were spared Fiona Apple.

3.) “Reality Bites” Makes you want to stab the 90s in the heart with machete used to kill Ethan Hawke’s character. I got your winter of discontent right here, bitch!

2.) “St. Elmo’s Fire” A unapologetic stalker gets the girl, a 23-year-old bore gets his own newspaper column, Judd Nelson, Rob Lowe plays the sax and Mare Winningham dons a girdle. And Judd Nelson. Yep, the 80s sucked.

1.) “Very Bad Things” A badly cast snuff film. Unfortunately, not everyone dies.

No idea how “Born on the Fourth of July” and “JFK” didn’t make the cut. “Fast Food” was better.

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11 thoughts on “The 10 worst movies I paid money to see

  1. Very Bad Things is a self fulfilling prophecy, but combining Robin Williams and Jennifer Lopez in one of the most depressing movies ever makes Jack the wors I’ve ever seen.

  2. Battle Beyond the Stars. It’s hard to believe that John Sayles’ career is ignominiously associated with John Boy in space and a hillbilly talking robot?

  3. No Christopher Columbus movies, Distinguished Gentleman or Toys? Dracula was pretty bad too.

  4. I’m sorry to say I paid to see “Best Defense” in which Eddie Murphy had an embarrassing cameo alongside “star” Dudley Moore. It was in the early-mid ’80s. As I recall, Murphy was riding in a tank and his only line was “I’m from Cleveland.” It was at the end of that time when Cleveland by itself was a punch line, though not a particularly funny one, especially when you were the 14,000th person to say it, like Murphy in this abomination.

  5. I am pleased that I have only seen 2 of these movies. My own list would include “Eyes Wide Shut” and Wes Craven’s “Shocker”.

  6. I walked out of Bram Stoker’s Dracula! It was an abortion!
    That guy who played Jo’s boyfriend on The Facts of Life was a hottie, at least by 80s standards.

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