In the afterlife, paradise means hell

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Bin Laden will find paradise disappointing, writes Steve Martin.

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.

Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?

Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.

Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.

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