The Blogosphere Says What? Foreskin edition

All my life I’ve been missing something. Even when I was diversity coordinator at Diversity Today, the magazine for professionals in the diversity industry, I felt unfulfilled.

As you probably know I’m working nights at Smoothie King, which is so unfair. The only good thing about it has been Quinn, who I am mentoring. I’ve taught him to take offense at almost everything, and he’s reminded me to stop overlooking my orgasm.

Recently we took our relationship to the next level. Yes, breeders, we made love. IS THAT OKAY!?!

Anyway, I discovered that Quinn is uncircumcised. Suddenly, I felt so different, so inferior. And deeply wounded.

I had no say in the mutilation of my penis. I asked my parents, “Have you seen my foreskin?” They acted like they didn’t know what I was talking about. I was devastated. “IT’S MINE AND I WANT IT BACK,” I screamed before collapsing on the floor, sobbing. But they just kept on watching “Jake and the Fatman” (which in itself was offensive because they know I have weight issues) like I wasn’t even there!

I’ve filed a civil lawsuit against my so-called parents for cruelty to children and mental anguish. It’s been very hard for me, but fortunately I have Quinn. And Norm.

No, we’re not polyamorous, not that there’s anything wrong with it you judgmental assholes! Norm is an acronym: the National Organization for Restoring Men. I’ve decided I want to be whole again, but it’s not going to be easy. Can you believe Smoothie King’s health insurance doesn’t cover penile restoration? Fucking uncircumphobes!

If there’s any justice I’ll be awarded enough money from my lawsuits to pay for the surgery. My parents owe me that and a lot more, including the pain and suffering I’ll no doubt endure having MY foreskin reattached. It’s something that must be done. Maybe then I’ll finally be complete.

I hope I can serve as a role model for other victims of genital mutilation. They may steal our foreskin but they can’t silence us. Not anymore.

(the inspiration)

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2 thoughts on “The Blogosphere Says What? Foreskin edition

  1. I think you have just written a classic. The scary thing is that it is not really that far off from the tone of the inspiration…

  2. I was laughing from the first sentence on – amazing there are people who feel like this.

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