From the archives:
(A recurring parody, for the uninitiated)
My immense responsibilities as diversity coordinator at Diversity Today, the magazine for professionals in the diversity industry, makes it very difficult for me to take time off. I’ve only used 11 mental health days this year, though I’ve needed many more.
But I always take the week off before Pride, both to prepare and to celebrate. This year, however, I’m not as excited as usual.
First of all, in what seems to me an obvious bid to get rid of Pride and, eventually, Atlanta’s gay population, the festival is being moved out of Piedmont Park, all because of some stupid drought. Okay, so I’m as green as the next guy or gal or transgendered individual, but this is Pride we’re talking about. If a few blades of grass are the cost of me and my gay, lesbian, bi and trans brothers and sisters and gender-neturals being proud of ourselves, then so be it!
This year it’s going to be in a big parking lot, which sucks melted Fudgesicles! I have body temperature issues, and allergies to certain kinds of pavement, so I don’t even know if I’ll make it through the whole weekend.
I’m still trying to recover from a traumatic experience at Cyndi Lauper’s True Colors Concert last week, which would’ve been amazingly amazing if not for this awful pair of breeders sitting behind us. Like, what were they doing there anyway? This is my night, not theirs! They talked non-stop, which made it difficult for me and my friends to continue our conversation. Even worse, the guy was complaining about missing some sports game. Like that’s anywhere near as important as equality!
I was especially moved by Carson Kressley’s amazing tribute to Rosie O’Donnell, who, in Carson’s eloquent words, is the single most courageous person living today. I didn’t hear all of it because of the heterosexual jock asshole behind us. I tried to ignore him until he started making fun of Rosie’s weight. That did it!
“How dare you make fun of someone’s body size. I think Rosie’s beautiful just the way she is. It’s assholes like you who are responsible for people dying of anorexia and bulimia. Shame. Shame.” Then I told him how I had suffered from both anorexia and bulimia, at the same time. He said, “I doubt that’s possible,” which was really offensive. I got so upset I vomited my dinner on their picnic blanket and, because of that rude heterosexual, I didn’t even get to see Cyndi’s amazing version of “She Bop.”
People who make fun of people with weight and body issues are almost as evil as people who make fun of gay, lesbian, bi and transgendered people, so pardon me if I shed no tears over the death of George Carlin. I really don’t know anything about him, but I saw some awful clip of him making fun of anorexia. He actually said, “Rich (c-word) don’t want to eat, fuck ‘em!” Well fuck you, Mr. Carlin!
And fuck anyone who tries to ruin the most important weekend of the year: Pride. That includes the homophobic City of Atlanta. No one else may know what you’re up to, but I’m watching.
Okay, so there is one thing going my way. I have someone new and special in my life, Xander. He used to be Goofy at Disney World but didn’t like the politics of the Disney corporation. He says Time Warner, which owns Six Flags, is more gay-friendly, so he’s hoping to hook on as one of the Looney Tunes characters. He’s also part of the E.Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y. players, a theatrical troupe started by the amazing Harvey Fierstein. By the way, E.Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y stands for: Everyone Qualifies Under Affirmative Lifestyles Independent of Tyranny … Yentl! Isn’t that super rad?
I don’t want to jinx our relationship, so I won’t say too much, but Xander is sensitive, caring, sensitive, inclusive and tolerant, just like me. He has issues with grains, and we’re working through that, since I loves me some grains! :)
Here’s wishing everyone a Happy Pride, that is, if the bigots let us.