the year’s worst celebrity ass smooch

*ED. NOTE: Time has been a foe of late, so if you read the unfinished version of this rant I apologize. We are working to correct the problem

I'm no longer allowed to pee

About the only thing more annoying than a Tom Cruise movie is the PR offensive he’s launched to correct the perception he’s totally fucking nuts.

The whores in the entertainment press are doing their best to perpetrate the fraud, treating his bizarre union to the zombie formerly known as Katie Holmes as some sort of storybook romance. Within this breathless account of Holmes’ 30th birthday, Scientology’s flagship stooge shares the couple’s plans for Christmas: “The main thing we know we’re going to do is there’s just gonna be nice family time and snuggles.”

How precious.

But the year’s cheapest whore, as ever, is the Evil Empire, which attempted to rehab Cruise’s image in one particularly soulless dispatch following the MTV Movie Awards.

Is it just us or did Tom Cruise come across as massively sane, funny, and um almost cool tonight? Maybe it was the moment when we saw Tom chatting up “Tropic Thunder” buddy Ben Stiller. Or maybe it was when Katie Holmes sweetly wished him “good luck”before he made his way to the big stage. One of our favorite moments surely came when we saw Tom backstage with Sarah Jessica Parker. She practically looked like she was meeting royalty. …

Then there was the big show where Tom won us over by repeatedly referring to MTV Generation Award winner Adam Sandler as “the Sandman.” Tom Cruise has comic timing? You’ve come a long way from your couch jumping, Tom. Welcome back.

That merits a waterboarding, at least.

Filed under: Media, Obnoxious celebrities, Scientology