Honey, I’m worried

What prompted Sonny Perdue’s decision to order public water providers to cut usage by 10 percent? Al Kosa suspects the missus might’ve had something to do with it:

Scene: The Perdue’s kitchen. Mary Perdue looks forlornly out the window at a parched yard. Sonny enters, ready for his traditional pork-heavy breakfast.

“Sonny, I had a dream last night of children diving into the creek and hitting their heads on the bottom because the creek’s dry.”

“I know honey. I’m against children breaking their necks, too. We’re not gonna let it happen.”

Etiquette is so last century

Finally, someone has the courage to stand up against the oppression of good manners. Duane‘s not afraid to go there; he’s sick and tired of holding doors open for ungrateful bitches, and he’s not going to take it anymore.

He’s right: politeness requires so much time and energy it’s hardly worth it. And as our intrepid crusader points out, no one holds doors open for him. Gah!

Some of Duane’s acolytes suggest the practice is nothing more than an insidious attempt by straight men to stare at women’s butts. But what of gay men, who have no such interest?

I figure that this behavior started by guys trying to woo gals. Since I’m not trying to woo any women, I don’t find it necessary to hold doors open for them.

I agree. I mean, if there’s no possibility of me getting laid, why should I be nice to anyone?

Hopefully Duane’s just getting started. Someone needs to tell those old hags to cross the street on their own — it’s not like anyone wants to sleep with them.

Honey, I’m worried

What prompted Sonny Perdue’s decision to order public water providers to cut usage by 10 percent? Al Kosa suspects the missus might’ve had something to do with it:

Scene: The Perdue’s kitchen. Mary Perdue looks forlornly out the window at a parched yard. Sonny enters, ready for his traditional pork-heavy breakfast.

“Sonny, I had a dream last night of children diving into the creek and hitting their heads on the bottom because the creek’s dry.”

“I know honey. I’m against children breaking their necks, too. We’re not gonna let it happen.”

Etiquette is so last century

Finally, someone has the courage to stand up against the oppression of good manners. Duane‘s not afraid to go there; he’s sick and tired of holding doors open for ungrateful bitches, and he’s not going to take it anymore.

He’s right: politeness requires so much time and energy it’s hardly worth it. And as our intrepid crusader points out, no one holds doors open for him. Gah!

Some of Duane’s acolytes suggest the practice is nothing more than an insidious attempt by straight men to stare at women’s butts. But what of gay men, who have no such interest?

I figure that this behavior started by guys trying to woo gals. Since I’m not trying to woo any women, I don’t find it necessary to hold doors open for them.

I agree. I mean, if there’s no possibility of me getting laid, why should I be nice to anyone?

Hopefully Duane’s just getting started. Someone needs to tell those old hags to cross the street on their own — it’s not like anyone wants to sleep with them.