Future shills of America

East Coweta High School Principal Derek Pitts should be proud. One of his students, Justin Jones, wrote a clever, insightful column for the school paper, demonstrating applied learning (educators love that) with his own “modest proposal.” Most high schoolers struggle to comprehend Swift’s satire, but Jones seems to have a grasp.

Too bad his dimwitted principal doesn’t get it. Pitts seized 500 undistributed copies of the school paper and, according to the AJC, told the student journalists he wanted more “positive and uplifting stories.”

(Pitts was also upset with a column written by the paper’s managing editor that criticized a local beauty pageant. Where’s the controversy?)

The principal doesn’t seem that interested in cultivating talent, nor in preparing his students for the professional world (although they might have a future in public relations, following his directive). Jones’ column is even more relevant in light of his principal’s hysterical overreaction.

*Having been in the business awhile, I’ve heard the incessant clamor for more positive stories. It’s a baseless request. Newspapers, including the AJC, run affirming narratives every day. Journalists should never apologize for resisting the kind of hucksterism many would like us to adopt.

On bisexual whores, New Jersey and reality TV

As a certified pop culture critic (self-proclaimed), I had no choice but to watch the “groundbreaking” new reality dating show on MTV featuring self-proclaimed Internet diva Tila Tequila.

Unlike the rest of the sluts who populate the one-time music channel, Tequila is openly bisexual (we’re supposed to be impressed by her honesty, even though bisexuality is a myth embraced by insecure nymphomaniacs). Her show features hetero male and lesbian contestants vying for Tila’s affection and a weeklong stint on the Z-List.

Anyway, with the aid of a stiff Vodka Gatorade (or “Vodkade”), I endured the cheese, spotting a couple of disturbing trends. One has been steadily developing — the Jersey-ification of pop culture, as evidenced by Tequila’s paramours. Surely you’ve noticed how virtually every wannabe star either hails from or is inspired by the Garden State (or its Southern affiliate, Orlando). Witness the enduring popularity of Bon Jovi.

I expected better from the dykes, who proved to be every bit as cheesy as your stereotypical gay man. Whatever happened to Sapphic nobility? Equality can be so depressing.

So is the Tila Tequila show. If your kids dream of fame and lack talent, you can either: A.) be a good parent and lock them in the basement or B.) embrace your inner stage mother and teach them how to work the pole. Those who choose the latter best not procrastinate; whoredom requires dedication, and the competition is fierce, whether you’re gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, transgendered or as-yet-to-be identified.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Made a rare foray into a mall yesterday and was bombarded by Christmas. In October. Before Halloween.

I even heard Christmas music at the Hallmark store. A tad premature, wouldn’t you say?

Meanwhile, those poor persecuted Christians are mounting a defense in anticipation of the annual “war against Christmas.”

Like clockwork, the American Civil Liberties Union grinches will be out in force punishing those erecting Nativity displays, extending Christmas greetings and otherwise exercising their God-given, First Amendment-protected rights to freedom of speech and freedom of religion.

But now you can fight back – and you don’t need a lawyer to do it.

Just check out WND’s online store for your personal “Christmas-defense kit.” What you’ll find are three choices of bumper stickers:

“This is America! And I’m going to say it: ‘Merry Christmas!’”
“It is STILL a wonderful life – Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas! An American Tradition”

If only I had the courage to say, “Merry Christmas!”

Actually, I wish I had the foresight to exploit irrational fears — no doubt these bumper stickers will be popular among the Hannity crowd.

Future shills of America

East Coweta High School Principal Derek Pitts should be proud. One of his students, Justin Jones, wrote a clever, insightful column for the school paper, demonstrating applied learning (educators love that) with his own “modest proposal.” Most high schoolers struggle to comprehend Swift’s satire, but Jones seems to have a grasp.

Too bad his dimwitted principal doesn’t get it. Pitts seized 500 undistributed copies of the school paper and, according to the AJC, told the student journalists he wanted more “positive and uplifting stories.”

(Pitts was also upset with a column written by the paper’s managing editor that criticized a local beauty pageant. Where’s the controversy?)

The principal doesn’t seem that interested in cultivating talent, nor in preparing his students for the professional world (although they might have a future in public relations, following his directive). Jones’ column is even more relevant in light of his principal’s hysterical overreaction.

*Having been in the business awhile, I’ve heard the incessant clamor for more positive stories. It’s a baseless request. Newspapers, including the AJC, run affirming narratives every day. Journalists should never apologize for resisting the kind of hucksterism many would like us to adopt.

On bisexual whores, New Jersey and reality TV

As a certified pop culture critic (self-proclaimed), I had no choice but to watch the "groundbreaking" new reality dating show on MTV featuring self-proclaimed Internet diva Tila Tequila.

Unlike the rest of the sluts who populate the one-time music channel, Tequila is openly bisexual (we’re supposed to be impressed by her honesty, even though bisexuality is a myth embraced by insecure nymphomaniacs). Her show features hetero male and lesbian contestants vying for Tila’s affection and a weeklong stint on the Z-List.

Anyway, with the aid of a stiff Vodka Gatorade (or "Vodkade"), I endured the cheese, spotting a couple of disturbing trends. One has been steadily developing — the Jersey-ification of pop culture, as evidenced by Tequila’s paramours. Surely you’ve noticed how virtually every wannabe star either hails from or is inspired by the Garden State (or its Southern affiliate, Orlando). Witness the enduring popularity of Bon Jovi.

I expected better from the dykes, who proved to be every bit as cheesy as your stereotypical gay man. Whatever happened to Sapphic nobility? Equality can be so depressing.

So is the Tila Tequila show. If your kids dream of fame and lack talent, you can either: A.) be a good parent and lock them in the basement or B.) embrace your inner stage mother and teach them how to work the pole. Those who choose the latter best not procrastinate; whoredom requires dedication, and the competition is fierce, whether you’re gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, transgendered or as-yet-to-be identified.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Made a rare foray into a mall yesterday and was bombarded by Christmas. In October. Before Halloween.

I even heard Christmas music at the Hallmark store. A tad premature, wouldn’t you say?

Meanwhile, those poor persecuted Christians are mounting a defense in anticipation of the annual “war against Christmas.”

Like clockwork, the American Civil Liberties Union grinches will be out in force punishing those erecting Nativity displays, extending Christmas greetings and otherwise exercising their God-given, First Amendment-protected rights to freedom of speech and freedom of religion.

But now you can fight back – and you don’t need a lawyer to do it.

Just check out WND’s online store for your personal “Christmas-defense kit.” What you’ll find are three choices of bumper stickers:

“This is America! And I’m going to say it: ‘Merry Christmas!’”
“It is STILL a wonderful life – Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas! An American Tradition”

If only I had the courage to say, “Merry Christmas!”

Actually, I wish I had the foresight to exploit irrational fears — no doubt these bumper stickers will be popular among the Hannity crowd.

omigod, omigod you guys …

Did you hear the groundbreaking news? A major character from the Harry Potter series has been outed!

If you’ve reached puberty, and don’t have kids, I expect you to be underwhelmed (besides, Dorothy’s entourage from “The Wizard of Oz” has Dumblefuck beat by seven decades). Once again, I expect too much, as demonstrated a few years back while in the skies above Winnipeg.

I was assigned to share an armrest with a portly prostyletizer devouring JK Rowling’s latest. We chatted briefly before I revealed my dark secret. “You mean you’ve never read a Harry Potter book?”

I was prepared.

“I’d like to, but I’m still working my way through ‘Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.’” She laughed, which disappointed me since I was attempting to communicate elitist disdain.

Age hasn’t softened my condescension. Adults who read children’s books should at least pretend to be embarrassed, just as thirtysomethings who play fantasy baseball (damn mirror) should resist mocking the way strangers spend their spare time.

*I’m curious what local fundamentalist crusader Laura Mallory thinks about Rowling’s revelation? Is there anything more insidious than a queer warlock? Two words: Paul Lynde.

Won’t somebody please think of the children?

omigod, omigod you guys …

Did you hear the groundbreaking news? A major character from the Harry Potter series has been outed!

If you’ve reached puberty, and don’t have kids, I expect you to be underwhelmed (besides, Dorothy’s entourage from "The Wizard of Oz" has Dumblefuck beat by seven decades). Once again, I expect too much, as demonstrated a few years back while in the skies above Winnipeg.

I was assigned to share an armrest with a portly prostyletizer devouring JK Rowling’s latest. We chatted briefly before I revealed my dark secret. "You mean you’ve never read a Harry Potter book?"

I was prepared.

"I’d like to, but I’m still working my way through ‘Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.’" She laughed, which disappointed me since I was attempting to communicate elitist disdain.

Age hasn’t softened my condescension. Adults who read children’s books should at least pretend to be embarrassed, just as thirtysomethings who play fantasy baseball (damn mirror) should resist mocking the way strangers spend their spare time.

*I’m curious what local fundamentalist crusader Laura Mallory thinks about Rowling’s revelation? Is there anything more insidious than a queer warlock? Two words: Paul Lynde.

Won’t somebody please think of the children?