Vacation, all I ever wanted? I wish, Belinda. I’m going down to Florida for the weekend with my horrible family, and it’s got me feeling all poopy.
First of all, I’m offended they planned the family vacation at the beach, knowing that I’m allergic to shellfish (self-diagnosed). It’s like they want me to be as uncomfortable as possible.
I can’t be me down there. When I start crying they tell me not to be so sensitive. Can you believe that? They know how sensitive I am about people calling me sensitive. But they do it anyway.
They don’t like it when I talk about my sexual fetishes. Sorry, folks, but I’m not getting back in your closet. Yes, I enjoy felching. That’s who I am — deal with it!
I’m taking down some videos and books about tolerance and diversity that I’m going to insist they watch and read. Obviously, they need it. Maybe I can bring my family together. I’ve tried so hard, but they refuse to understand me. And that hurts, people.
Still, I’m doing my best to remain optimistic. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally get an apology from them for robbing me of my foreskin. It’s the least they could do.
Please, everyone, think about me this weekend. I need your strength.