John Mayer: changing the world one uninspiring guitar riff at a time

I can’t figure out John Mayer‘s success. He’s on the cover of TIME magazine, appears onstage with The Police, is routinely shadowed by paparazzi — and for what? Making music for the Applebee’s crowd?

Mayer appeared at last weekend’s Live Earth festival and, as he wrote on his blog, the former Atlantan was geared for a revolution:

With this kind of lineup, there’s no cause or crisis that wouldn’t be positively affected by an event of this scope. Live Earth isn’t a  show – it’s a showing, a presentation of an idea. Artists like us don’t just get together to each play 20 minute sets every weekend, you know. We’re also usually pretty sensitive about the order in which we take the stage, and I’ve got no problems with my 5:12 PM set time. The Police, Bon Jovi, Alicia Keys, Kanye West, and yes, myself and my dumb face are all openers for the true headliner – the power to literally change the world’s mind. The star of the night is an idea, and all eyes will be on it.

And a soft-rock crooner shall lead them.

Yet another conservative hypocrite

Married Louisiana senator David Vitter admitted yesterday he had hired hookers supplied by the infamous “D.C. Madam.”

Last year, Vitter told the New Orleans Times-Picayune:

And, when asked directly whether he meant to say that gay marriage is more important that hurricane relief, he tried to clarify.

“What I meant,” Vitter said, is that “the existence or non-existence of a stable, loving, two-parent household” is the most significant predictor of success in life, although “that doesn’t mean you can’t rear a child well in another environment.” And, displaying a firm grasp of the obvious, Vitter also conceded that infidelity, divorce, and deadbeat dads contribute to the breakdown of traditional families.

Offsetting the cuteness

Jeff was right — my reputation demands I counter that adorable picture posted yesterday with something grotesque. So here’s my revenge (hint: it’s not another shirtless pic of Carrot Top, but it will make you queasy).

Fat bastard throws a hissy fit

Everyone’s out to get him, apparently, even CNN’s respected medical journalist, Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Watch Michael Moore go off on Wolf Blitzer here.

A gay wedding nightmare

Tori Spelling officiated (she was ordained online). Martinis named after the couple’s favorite Broadway musicals were served to all the guests. One of the grooms serenaded the crowd with a “rousing” reindition of “Cabaret.” And the first dance was to a Madonna song.

Sounds like they had every cliche covered.

A dispatch from the Algonquin

I do not like my state of mind; I’m bitter, querulous, unkind. I hate my legs, I hate my hands, I do not yearn for lovely lands. I dread the dawn’s recurrent light; I hate to go to bed at night. I snoot at simple, earnest folk. I cannot take the gentlest joke. I find no peace in paint or type. My world is but a lot of tripe. I’m disillusioned, empty-breasted. For what I think, I’d be arrested. I am not sick. I am not well. My quondam dreams are shot to hell. My soul is crushed, my spirit sore: I do not like me any more. I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse. I ponder on the narrow house. I shudder at the thought of men. I’m due to fall in love again.

–from Dorothy Parker‘s “Symptom Recital” (via Markie Post)

“Sen. Obama, what did you think of my last album?”

For the first time the leading candidates for the presidency will hold a televised debate devoted solely to LGBT issues. Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards have confirmed they will participate. Several other Democratic candidates also may join the debate.

Sounds okay so far, except that the panel questioning the candidates includes Hillary lackey Joe Solmonese (president of the Human Rights Campaign, a bloated, ineffectual special interest) and humorless dyke Melissa Etheridge. Why not use real journalists, like "Atlantic" blogger Andrew Sullivan or Adam Nagourney of the New York Times? This won’t be a debate — it’ll be a coronation for Hillary, sponsored by the petty queer establishment. Once again the gay movement has taken the lead in marginalizing itself.

Yet another conservative hypocrite

Married Louisiana senator David Vitter admitted yesterday he had hired hookers supplied by the infamous “D.C. Madam.”

Last year, Vitter told the New Orleans Times-Picayune:

And, when asked directly whether he meant to say that gay marriage is more important that hurricane relief, he tried to clarify.

“What I meant,” Vitter said, is that “the existence or non-existence of a stable, loving, two-parent household” is the most significant predictor of success in life, although “that doesn’t mean you can’t rear a child well in another environment.” And, displaying a firm grasp of the obvious, Vitter also conceded that infidelity, divorce, and deadbeat dads contribute to the breakdown of traditional families.

Offsetting the cuteness

Jeff was right — my reputation demands I counter that adorable picture posted yesterday with something grotesque. So here’s my revenge (hint: it’s not another shirtless pic of Carrot Top, but it will make you queasy).

Fat bastard throws a hissy fit

Everyone’s out to get him, apparently, even CNN’s respected medical journalist, Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Watch Michael Moore go off on Wolf Blitzer here.

A gay wedding nightmare

Tori Spelling officiated (she was ordained online). Martinis named after the couple’s favorite Broadway musicals were served to all the guests. One of the grooms serenaded the crowd with a “rousing” reindition of “Cabaret.” And the first dance was to a Madonna song.

Sounds like they had every cliche covered.

A dispatch from the Algonquin

I do not like my state of mind; I’m bitter, querulous, unkind. I hate my legs, I hate my hands, I do not yearn for lovely lands. I dread the dawn’s recurrent light; I hate to go to bed at night. I snoot at simple, earnest folk. I cannot take the gentlest joke. I find no peace in paint or type. My world is but a lot of tripe. I’m disillusioned, empty-breasted. For what I think, I’d be arrested. I am not sick. I am not well. My quondam dreams are shot to hell. My soul is crushed, my spirit sore: I do not like me any more. I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse. I ponder on the narrow house. I shudder at the thought of men. I’m due to fall in love again.

–from Dorothy Parker‘s “Symptom Recital” (via Markie Post)

The material c**t

Fuck this inane diva worship. Madonna‘s no icon — she’s a withered old hag with an ego that would make Bill Clinton blush. The cult-enabling bitch made the following demands of reporters at Saturday’s Live Earth concert:

We can reveal that US TV presenters who interviewed her were bizarrely ordered never to lose eye contact with her.

Before being ushered into the Queen of Pop’s presence at Wembley on Saturday, interviewers were instructed by minions:

Eye contact must be maintained at all times;

Never look down to check notes – all questions must be memorised or the interview will be terminated.

The extraordinary edict was the backstage talking point at Live Earth. One American TV source told us: “It’s intimidating enough interviewing Madonna, because she’s so intense, but when we were given these weird orders it was even worse.

“We thought her people were just joking. But it soon became apparent that they were deadly serious.”

Presenters were also forbidden to ask about husband Guy Ritchie, her controversial Kaballah religion and their recent adoption of Malawian baby David. Instead, all questions had to be about Live Earth.

Journalists should have made counter demands: don’t speak in your ridiculous faux British accent, don’t call yourself an artist, and dare to sing a capella.

(Yes, I know the c-word is objectionable to most, but it exists for a reason. I use it judiciously, and, in this case, properly.)

Consider the source

For those who take Michael Moore seriously, here’s some reminders why you shouldn’t:

In a typically inane passage of Downsize This!, Moore’s slapdash satire of the political landscape, he pens a chapter proclaiming “O.J. Is Innocent.” …

After I faxed Simpson, he called me from his new home in Pacific Palisades. “Obviously, I like Michael Moore,” says O.J., who met the filmmaker when Simpson was a surprise guest on Moore’s talk-show pilot last fall. “I think he is an unusual, independent person, and I’ve learned to appreciate independent thinking more today than ever before.”

Moore is so independent, in fact, that he made a defense of O.J. that eluded even Simpson’s excuse-rich defense team. For the populist avenger, the most racially charged double murder in history boils down to an issue of class. O.J., according to Moore, couldn’t possibly have killed Ron and Nicole–because O.J. is rich. And rich people, who won’t do their own shopping or de-grout their own toenails, wouldn’t stoop to offing their ex-wives when “there are so many unemployed, desperate individuals” willing to ice someone for $200.

I’ve seen Moore repeat this on TV. He sincerely believes O.J. is innocent.

He’s also open to the possibility that 9/11 was an inside job:

REPORTER: We want to get some ideas, your comments, on 9/11 being an inside job because since your last movie, which gave us a lot of information…

MOORE: Right, right, right.

REPORTER: … we now are in possession of all other kinds of facts and evidence.

MOORE: Right.

REPORTER: And we know that 9/11 was an inside job.

MOORE: Right.

REPORTER: So we want to get your comments on that.

MOORE: Well, I’ve had a number of firefighters tell me over the years, and since Fahrenheit 9/11, that they heard these explosions, that they believe there is much more to the story then we’ve been told. I don’t think the official investigations have told us the complete truth. They haven’t even told us half the truth. And so I support, and I hope, you know, if there’s a new administration or somebody could open up a new investigation of this before we get too far away from it, to find out the whole truth. Let me just give you one thing that has—I’ve asked for for a long time. I’ve filmed before, down at the Pentagon, before 9/11. There’s got to be at least 100 video cameras ringing that building, in the trees, everywhere. They’ve got that plane coming in with 100 angles. How come we haven’t seen the straight—I’m not talking about stop-action photos, I’m talking about the video. I want to see the video, I want to see 100 videos that exist of this. Why don’t they want us to see that plane coming into the building? Because, you know, if you know anything about flying a plane, if you’re going 500 mph, if you’re off by that much, you’re in the river. To hit a building that’s only 5 stories high that expertly, I believe that there will be answers in that video tape and you should demand that that tape is released.

Just something for the lemmings to ponder.