Worse than any of the worst 30 pop songs

David Hasselhoff deserves his own category. My German friends inform me “Jump In My Car” was a big hit in Europe last year. I told them they could never mock American taste again, as we rejected the notion of Hasselhoff, pop star. Instead of waterboarding, why not play this over the loudspeakers at Gitmo?

The 30 worst pop songs ever

This has to stop somewhere. But I had to find room for Michael Bolton — I could’ve picked any of his songs, but “How Can We Be Lovers” came up first on my YouTube search. That’ll do. And I couldn’t exclude Richard Marx (“Right Here Waiting”) or Don Johnson (“Heartbeat”). Mid-1980s ZZ Top was particularly excruciating — hence “Velcro Fly.”

As for the 1990s, hard to decide the nadir: Hootie and the Blowfish’s ode to frat boys and jocks (“Only Wanna Be With You”), Spin Doctors’ ode to bitchy sorority girls (“Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”) or O-Town‘s ode to masturbation (“Liquid Dreams”).

That craptastic orgy gets us to 24. Six spots remaining. I mean it this time.

The other 17:

*”Summer Girls” — LFO

*”Waiting for a Star to Fall” — Boy Meets Girl

*”Tonight, Tonight, Tonight” — Genesis

*”All That She Wants” — Ace of Base

*”The Greatest Love of All” — Whitney Houston

*”The Glory of Love” — Peter Cetera

*”I Believe I Can Fly” — R. Kelly

*”Dancing on the Ceiling” — Lionel Richie

*”Opposites Attract” — Paula Abdul

*”Blame It on the Rain” — Milli Vanilli

*”I’ll Be There for You” — The Rembrandts

*”All for Love” — Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams and Sting

*”Leader of the Band” — Dan Fogelberg

*”Your Body Is a Wonderland” — John Mayer

*”Together Forever” — Rick Astley

*”Childhood” — Michael Jackson

*”She’s Like the Wind” — Patrick Swayze

Show me that smile again

Via Andy:

“The existence of God can be proven 100%, absolutely, without the use of faith.”

— Kirk Cameron, May 9, on “Nightline Face-Off,” ABC’s new debate show.

I just want to express my deep gratitude to ABC for allowing Mike Fucking Seaver to settle, once and for all, one of mankind’s most important and enduring questions.

I hear that next week’s “Nightline Face-Off” will feature Alf and Bronson Pinchot debating the possibility of life on other planets.

Troy Patterson has more:

If Nightline wanted to host an enlightening discussion about religion, it would have invited some intelligent believers to mount a defense of faith and to talk about why faith and proof of it are mutually exclusive. Instead, the show served up Cameron goofing on Charles Darwin, apparently the preferred target of dimwitted theists. At one point, Cameron, mocking the theory of evolution, held up a photo-illustration of a duck with the head of crocodile.

The next Spiro Agnew?

Amazingly, Georgia’s inept, thin-skinned governor is being touted as a potential vice-presidential nominee. As in second in command to the president. Of the United States.

Ye timbers shivering yet?

(One blogger even suggests Sonny run for president.)

Besides routinely embarrassing the state, I’m not sure exactly what Sonny has achieved as governor. Remember his letter to the editor last fall in which he complained about the AJC’s coverage of his beloved Georgia Bulldogs?

From the front page to the business page and now to the sports page, it is as if the AJC gleefully awaits lousy news about all things Georgia and pounces with their poison pens whenever bad things happen to the good people of our state.

Other cities celebrate the successes and mourn the losses of local businesses, individuals and sports teams. The AJC takes the opposite position and — instead of boosterism — criticizes, investigates and ridicules all things Georgia.

The AJC, not UGA, is the real loser.

Sonny’s suggested headline? “Our valiant Bulldogs lose courageously to hated Volunteers”

Determined to reinforce his image as a buffoon, Perdue this morning told conservative yakker Bill Bennett that dissenters should “keep your mouth shut” about Iraq.

“The president did not choose war. The president chose to protect the United States of America, and he did,” Perdue said.

Mission accomplished, eh Sonny?

“A vote for Romney is a vote for Satan”

Fundamentalist troll Bill Keller tees off on “The Anchorman”:

“I have been warning you for years now about this cult born out of the pits of hell and responsible for sending millions of souls to eternal damnation,” Keller says. “For the nearly 200 years this cult has been in existence they have strived for mainstream acceptance. They are the most devious of all the cults since they have always tried to portray themselves as ‘just another Christian group’ when in fact, they are no more Christian than a Muslim is! Their deception starts with their name, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Sounds like a Christian church doesn’t it? Some Mormons have recently changed their name to simply Community of Christ to disguise even better who they are in an attempt to lure people in.”

Romney panders again

This is certain to be a recurring feature. Mitt Romney says he was conflicted about going off on a Mormon mission because he was deeply in love with his wife-to-be and he felt guilty about the draft deferment he would get for it, when other young men his age were heading for Vietnam.

That’s not what he said 13 years ago:

Romney, however, acknowledged he did not have any desire to serve in the military during his college and missionary days, especially after he married and became a father. “I was not planning on signing up for the military,” he said. “It was not my desire to go off and serve in Vietnam, but nor did I take any actions to remove myself from the pool of young men who were eligible for the draft. If drafted, I would have been happy to serve, and if I didn’t get drafted I was happy to be with my wife and new child.”

Worse than any of the worst 30 pop songs

David Hasselhoff deserves his own category. My German friends inform me “Jump In My Car” was a big hit in Europe last year. I told them they could never mock American taste again, as we rejected the notion of Hasselhoff, pop star. Instead of waterboarding, why not play this over the loudspeakers at Gitmo?

But does she have a high school education?

“It’s like high school. We’re like the popular kids. Everybody wants to know what happens to us.”

–Cameron Diaz, sharing what it’s like to be a celebrity. Karma alert: I bet she’ll be starring in a failed sitcom within five years.

The 30 worst pop songs ever

This has to stop somewhere. But I had to find room for Michael Bolton — I could’ve picked any of his songs, but “How Can We Be Lovers” came up first on my YouTube search. That’ll do. And I couldn’t exclude Richard Marx (“Right Here Waiting”) or Don Johnson (“Heartbeat”). Mid-1980s ZZ Top was particularly excruciating — hence “Velcro Fly.”

As for the 1990s, hard to decide the nadir: Hootie and the Blowfish’s ode to frat boys and jocks (“Only Wanna Be With You”), Spin Doctors’ ode to bitchy sorority girls (“Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”) or O-Town‘s ode to masturbation (“Liquid Dreams”).

That craptastic orgy gets us to 24. Six spots remaining. I mean it this time.

The other 17:

*”Summer Girls” — LFO

*”Waiting for a Star to Fall” — Boy Meets Girl

*”Tonight, Tonight, Tonight” — Genesis

*”All That She Wants” — Ace of Base

*”The Greatest Love of All” — Whitney Houston

*”The Glory of Love” — Peter Cetera

*”I Believe I Can Fly” — R. Kelly

*”Dancing on the Ceiling” — Lionel Richie

*”Opposites Attract” — Paula Abdul

*”Blame It on the Rain” — Milli Vanilli

*”I’ll Be There for You” — The Rembrandts

*”All for Love” — Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams and Sting

*”Leader of the Band” — Dan Fogelberg

*”Your Body Is a Wonderland” — John Mayer

*”Together Forever” — Rick Astley

*”Childhood” — Michael Jackson

*”She’s Like the Wind” — Patrick Swayze

Show me that smile again

Via Andy:

“The existence of God can be proven 100%, absolutely, without the use of faith.”

— Kirk Cameron, May 9, on “Nightline Face-Off,” ABC’s new debate show.

I just want to express my deep gratitude to ABC for allowing Mike Fucking Seaver to settle, once and for all, one of mankind’s most important and enduring questions.

I hear that next week’s “Nightline Face-Off” will feature Alf and Bronson Pinchot debating the possibility of life on other planets.

Troy Patterson has more:

If Nightline wanted to host an enlightening discussion about religion, it would have invited some intelligent believers to mount a defense of faith and to talk about why faith and proof of it are mutually exclusive. Instead, the show served up Cameron goofing on Charles Darwin, apparently the preferred target of dimwitted theists. At one point, Cameron, mocking the theory of evolution, held up a photo-illustration of a duck with the head of crocodile.

The next Spiro Agnew?

Amazingly, Georgia’s inept, thin-skinned governor is being touted as a potential vice-presidential nominee. As in second in command to the president. Of the United States.

Ye timbers shivering yet?

(One blogger even suggests Sonny run for president.)

Besides routinely embarrassing the state, I’m not sure exactly what Sonny has achieved as governor. Remember his letter to the editor last fall in which he complained about the AJC’s coverage of his beloved Georgia Bulldogs?

From the front page to the business page and now to the sports page, it is as if the AJC gleefully awaits lousy news about all things Georgia and pounces with their poison pens whenever bad things happen to the good people of our state.

Other cities celebrate the successes and mourn the losses of local businesses, individuals and sports teams. The AJC takes the opposite position and — instead of boosterism — criticizes, investigates and ridicules all things Georgia.

The AJC, not UGA, is the real loser.

Sonny’s suggested headline? “Our valiant Bulldogs lose courageously to hated Volunteers”

Determined to reinforce his image as a buffoon, Perdue this morning told conservative yakker Bill Bennett that dissenters should “keep your mouth shut” about Iraq.

“The president did not choose war. The president chose to protect the United States of America, and he did,” Perdue said.

Mission accomplished, eh Sonny?

“A vote for Romney is a vote for Satan”

Fundamentalist troll Bill Keller tees off on “The Anchorman”:

“I have been warning you for years now about this cult born out of the pits of hell and responsible for sending millions of souls to eternal damnation,” Keller says. “For the nearly 200 years this cult has been in existence they have strived for mainstream acceptance. They are the most devious of all the cults since they have always tried to portray themselves as ‘just another Christian group’ when in fact, they are no more Christian than a Muslim is! Their deception starts with their name, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Sounds like a Christian church doesn’t it? Some Mormons have recently changed their name to simply Community of Christ to disguise even better who they are in an attempt to lure people in.”

Romney panders again

This is certain to be a recurring feature. Mitt Romney says he was conflicted about going off on a Mormon mission because he was deeply in love with his wife-to-be and he felt guilty about the draft deferment he would get for it, when other young men his age were heading for Vietnam.

That’s not what he said 13 years ago:

Romney, however, acknowledged he did not have any desire to serve in the military during his college and missionary days, especially after he married and became a father. “I was not planning on signing up for the military,” he said. “It was not my desire to go off and serve in Vietnam, but nor did I take any actions to remove myself from the pool of young men who were eligible for the draft. If drafted, I would have been happy to serve, and if I didn’t get drafted I was happy to be with my wife and new child.”

But does she have a high school education?

"It’s like high school. We’re like the popular kids. Everybody wants to know what happens to us."

–Cameron Diaz, sharing what it’s like to be a celebrity. Karma alert: I bet she’ll be starring in a failed sitcom within five years.

The blogosphere says what?

Well, I just had a big discussion with my parents, and let me tell ya, it wasn’t pretty. For any of us. But I said something that needed to be said:

How could you mutilate me? I’m talking genital mutilation, people. They stole my foreskin, without my permission, and I want it back. Mostly, I want them to say they’re sorry.

But of course they wouldn’t. They used a bunch of lame excuses, but I didn’t buy them. It hurt me to know they didn’t care. It hurt me even worse to know they wouldn’t apologize.

I’ve been torn up all week — no pun intended. Fortunately, I have Rand-O’s shoulder to cry on. It’s getting wet, people. And still I have no foreskin. And no parents.

That’s right — I disowned them, just like that adorable Drew Barrymore in “Irreconcilable Differences.” They have to earn my love, and respect. Right now they don’t deserve either!

In other news, how could that awful judge in L.A. sentence Paris to jail? She’s certainly brought beauty and excitement to my sometimes mundane life. You keep going, girl, and not to jail!

That reminds me: Rand-O and I just bought the fourth season of “The Simple Life” on DVD. I loves me some Paris and Nicole. And I could use the distraction.