New recruits

The Scientology freak show just added a Latin flavor — not that I needed another reason to ignore Jennifer Lopez’s career.

Fabulous people suck

And they’re stupefyingly fatuous:

“Unfortunately, the ‘fabulous people’ get a bad rap,” (said interior designer Brinton Brewster, 38). “Just because we live life in a certain way, they think we don’t have compassion for other people. …

Emily, a history major at Princeton University, took a seat. “I am upset by the Iraq War, but I don’t focus on it, because it’s a negative energy,” she said. “I think we are overanalyzing the situation. I mean, here we are at Bungalow 8!” …

Next up was a blond woman in her late 30’s. She was wearing a black fedora from the men’s department at Bergdorf Goodman, a black Moschino dress and shoes by Christian Loubouton. I asked her about Iraq.

“A rack? You mean titties? Like a really big rack?”

Iraq.

“Don’t ever waste a moment in life. Fly to the moon and play amongst the stars, be happy, understand how lucky we are—and don’t fight,” she said. “I feel personally connected in one way—I’m a mother, and every day in Iraq somebody is losing their child. My little girl will never go to Iraq. I’m sorry, she’ll go to Prada.” …

Jacqie Venable, a 40-year-old music producer, was wearing a beret and jeans. She said she wasn’t wearing underwear.

She said the war in Iraq was meant to happen “karmically."

“In my spiritual picture, it has to do with karma,” she said. “Everything that happens in life, to each of us, is what we call into our space. Everything comes full circle. So right now, it’s going to work out to whatever it works out to be. It might be happy for me and not happy for you."

“The people who are there fighting—it’s their journey. This is our journey,” she continued. “People are dying all around the world. Forget Iraq—they’re dying in this country. And their parents are suffering with them, and our parents suffer for us because we’re at Bungalow. There is no separation in the trauma.” …

I asked what she’d rather be talking about.

“My daughter. Shoes. Handbags. Fashionistas to laugh at. Waxing the undercarriage—from your poonnany to your back door. It’s fucking painful.” …

How long has it been since you made love?

Did you make love yesterday? Did you make love last week? Did you make love last year? Or maybe, it might be, that you’re planning on making love tonight?

Just remember … when you start making love, you make it long, hard, soft, short, and be Strokin’.

What do me, Harvey Korman and Jane Seymour have in common?

We were each born on the 15th of February. So was acting great John Barrymore, “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening, Galileo, Chris Farley, Susan B. Anthony and the original Penguin, Cesar Romero. What a motley crew.

The blogosphere says what? (Valentine’s Day edition)

Well, V-Day was a total bust, but don’t worry, ya’ll, it wasn’t Rand-O’s fault. Blame it on Hallmark. I was there yesterday, looking for a card for my baby doll, and it occurred to me — there’s no same-sex Valentine’s Day cards! I was so offended I just collapsed into fetal position and started weeping. The clerk came over and asked me to stop making a scene and then I really lost it.

“Oh, so now I know what it takes for you to notice me!” He totally didn’t get it! I wept some more then finally mustered the courage to rise to my feet and march out of that homophobic store. I had been already been offended 46 times that day but nowhere near as bad as that.

A point needed to be made, and you know me, ya’ll, I like to raise me a ruckus :) So I started calling all my peeps, asking them to join me for for a weep-in at Hallmark. They couldn’t ignore us then. Except no one was interested. Not one. I was so offended — even more offended than I had been 15 minutes earlier when the guy at McDonald’s asked me if I wanted to supersize my meal. What did he mean by that, that I’m some fattie who can’t get by on a quarter pounder with cheese and a medium fries? Or was he making fun of me for being gay?

I asked him, and he acted all innocent. That really offended me. Do you know hard it is to eat a hamburger when you’re crying?

So my weep-in failed. People just don’t care about changing the world, I guess. My Valentine’s Day was ruined. I told Randy that I needed to be alone. He’s so understanding, he was totally okay with it.

There I was, all by myself, crying, listening to my “Best of Charlene” CD. Then it hit me — I can’t give up! I had to keep on believing, ’cause that’s when dreams come true.

And my dream, of a gay greeting card store, will come true, so me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters will never again have to feel that isolation I experienced at Hallmark. I’m going to make sure of it.

Now sing along with me and my gal Charlene:

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It’s a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It’s that little baby you’re holding, it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
That’s truth, that’s love……

Hugs and kisses, ya’ll.

Put him in reeducation camp

Better yet, ignore, isolate and repudiate Tim Hardaway, the former NBA star who does a mean J.B. Stoner impression:

The five time All Star was asked how he would deal with a gay teammate.

“First of all I wouldn’t want him on my team,” said Hardaway. “Second of all, if he was on my team I would really distance myself from him because I don’t think that’s right and I don’t think he should be in the locker room when we’re in the locker room.” …

“Well, you know, I hate gay people,” Hardaway said in response to Le Batard. “I let it be known I don’t like gay people. I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the world, in the United States, I don’t like it.”

I’m guessing Hardaway is in the minority among ballers, but not by much. If I were a pro athlete, I’d stay in the closet, too.

The conservative answer to “Stew-bert”

Not very funny, unless you think Rush Limbaugh is a hoot. Guess which channel will be carrying it?

Happy Valentine’s Day

In true Malcontent fashion, celebrate it here with Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor … and a bottle of booze.

Another dated, unfunny observation from Robin Williams

“It’s weird when you watch women’s tennis now with all the grunting and shouting. It’s a bit like phone sex. So you have to be very careful not to get too excited.”

(Via Page Six)

Sorry to ruin your Valentine’s Day with thoughts of an aroused Robin Williams. Wonder if he waxes — shudder!

*Related “Simpsons” flashback:

Homer: Oh, I like it better when they’re making fun of people who aren’t me. [gasps] I know, “Evening at the Improv”. They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s. [flips]

Comedian: See, I think about weird stuff. Like, what would happen if E.T. and Mr. T had a baby? Heh, well, you’d get Mr. E.T., wouldn’t you? And you know, I think he’d sound a little something like this: “I pity the fool who doesn’t phone home.” [audience laughs]

Homer: [laughs] Ooh, I wouldn’t want to be Mr. T right now.