The blogosphere says what? (Valentine’s Day edition)

Well, V-Day was a total bust, but don’t worry, ya’ll, it wasn’t Rand-O’s fault. Blame it on Hallmark. I was there yesterday, looking for a card for my baby doll, and it occurred to me — there’s no same-sex Valentine’s Day cards! I was so offended I just collapsed into fetal position and started weeping. The clerk came over and asked me to stop making a scene and then I really lost it.

"Oh, so now I know what it takes for you to notice me!" He totally didn’t get it! I wept some more then finally mustered the courage to rise to my feet and march out of that homophobic store. I had been already been offended 46 times that day but nowhere near as bad as that.

A point needed to be made, and you know me, ya’ll, I like to raise me a ruckus :) So I started calling all my peeps, asking them to join me for for a weep-in at Hallmark. They couldn’t ignore us then. Except no one was interested. Not one. I was so offended — even more offended than I had been 15 minutes earlier when the guy at McDonald’s asked me if I wanted to supersize my meal. What did he mean by that, that I’m some fattie who can’t get by on a quarter pounder with cheese and a medium fries? Or was he making fun of me for being gay?

I asked him, and he acted all innocent. That really offended me. Do you know hard it is to eat a hamburger when you’re crying?

So my weep-in failed. People just don’t care about changing the world, I guess. My Valentine’s Day was ruined. I told Randy that I needed to be alone. He’s so understanding, he was totally okay with it.

There I was, all by myself, crying, listening to my "Best of Charlene" CD. Then it hit me — I can’t give up! I had to keep on believing, ’cause that’s when dreams come true.

And my dream, of a gay greeting card store, will come true, so me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters will never again have to feel that isolation I experienced at Hallmark. I’m going to make sure of it.

Now sing along with me and my gal Charlene:

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It’s a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It’s that little baby you’re holding, it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
That’s truth, that’s love……

Hugs and kisses, ya’ll.

Put him in reeducation camp

Better yet, ignore, isolate and repudiate Tim Hardaway, the former NBA star who does a mean J.B. Stoner impression:

The five time All Star was asked how he would deal with a gay teammate.

“First of all I wouldn’t want him on my team,” said Hardaway. “Second of all, if he was on my team I would really distance myself from him because I don’t think that’s right and I don’t think he should be in the locker room when we’re in the locker room.” …

“Well, you know, I hate gay people,” Hardaway said in response to Le Batard. “I let it be known I don’t like gay people. I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the world, in the United States, I don’t like it.”

I’m guessing Hardaway is in the minority among ballers, but not by much. If I were a pro athlete, I’d stay in the closet, too.

The conservative answer to “Stew-bert”

Not very funny, unless you think Rush Limbaugh is a hoot. Guess which channel will be carrying it?

Happy Valentine’s Day

In true Malcontent fashion, celebrate it here with Richard Burton, Elizabeth Taylor … and a bottle of booze.

Another dated, unfunny observation from Robin Williams

“It’s weird when you watch women’s tennis now with all the grunting and shouting. It’s a bit like phone sex. So you have to be very careful not to get too excited.”

(Via Page Six)

Sorry to ruin your Valentine’s Day with thoughts of an aroused Robin Williams. Wonder if he waxes — shudder!

*Related “Simpsons” flashback:

Homer: Oh, I like it better when they’re making fun of people who aren’t me. [gasps] I know, “Evening at the Improv”. They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s. [flips]

Comedian: See, I think about weird stuff. Like, what would happen if E.T. and Mr. T had a baby? Heh, well, you’d get Mr. E.T., wouldn’t you? And you know, I think he’d sound a little something like this: “I pity the fool who doesn’t phone home.” [audience laughs]

Homer: [laughs] Ooh, I wouldn’t want to be Mr. T right now.

Yep, we torture

I’ve been regrettably silent on this issue (sorry for the self-importance), just like the Democratic Party, the GOP, the media …

But it’s time to face facts, and it’s time we all got pissed. The Bush administration (with Rummy taking the lead) has crossed the line on interrogation, as acknowledged by one of the country’s foremost experts on the practice, Col. Stuart Herrington. The following is taken from an interview conducted by conservative talk show host — and Bush zealot — Hugh Hewitt, who said Herrington “has had a career in human and counterintelligence that few can rival in the United States”:

HH: From the time you began in this human and counterintelligence business to today, how much of the techniques changed as to effective interrogation?

SH: Well, we thought we had it pretty well on track, and that there was a consensus in the discipline that interrogation is a very professionally demanding discipline that requires an understanding of human nature, and essentially how to outsmart and outfox a source who has information that he really doesn’t want to tell you, but it’s your job to get it. And I’d thought for some time that we had a good consensus on that until the Iraq thing came along, and something happened, and people took a wrong turn at the intersection, if you will.

HH: And how did they do that?

SH: Well, there became a notion of what, and I think part of it was because of official policy emanating from the Department of Defense, and then part of it was just that plus osmosis plus the influence of television and the overall pop culture, that interrogators are inquisitors, and that the best way to get information out of people is to “take off the gloves.” And that’s the wrong turn that we took, and it’s a very serious wrong turn, because for a whole variety of reasons, torture and brutality in interrogations is counterproductive.

HH: Does the United States military torture people?

SH: Well, I think if you ask the question has it happened, or have things taken place that are wrong, and that went well over the line, I think the answer is yes, regrettably. Was it a controlled policy, i.e. that what they were doing was something that was sanctioned from on high, my own personal opinion is that some of it was, especially the things that the task force was doing in Iraq with respect to the top fifty of Saddam’s henchmen that they caught, and al Qaeda types. And in some cases, it was just stupid young people with bad leadership and bad skills essentially behaving in an extremely counterproductive and undisciplined fashion, and that’s more what applies to Abu Ghraib.

What about the “24″ defense?

SH: The difficulty with that is that that question poses a hypothetical which in my experience, I never ran into a hypothetical like that. If you pose the rectitude, or lack thereof, of torture based upon that hypothetical, you’re not really dealing in the real world. That’s my answer to that.

Give this man his own show

Paul Mooney, a former writer for Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor, is beyond deserving.

Check out some clips from his new DVD, Know Your History: Jesus Was Black; So Was Cleopatra –

What am I Doing in Detroit?

Everyone’s Gone Crazy.