Steve Martin, meet Salman Rushdie

I would imagine Muslim extremists are much better shots than the would-be assassin from “The Jerk.” Regardless, Martin better watch his back after publishing this hilarious essay lampooning 72 virgins (some highlights):

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . .

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.

Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.

Vote for Sarkozy

A French paper accused of insulting Muslims by printing cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad surprised a court hearing on Wednesday with a letter of support from presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy.

“I prefer an excess of caricatures to an absence of caricatures,” Sarkozy, the conservative interior minister who helped launch the French Muslim Council, wrote in a letter read out by a lawyer for the satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo.

Not surprisingly, Muslim groups don’t share his sense of humor.

The French Muslim Council held an emergency meeting later on Wednesday and some members urged resignations in protest, but its leader Dalil Boubakeur said no decision would be made now.

Maybe he meant he was “completely metrosexual”

Even the “ex-gays” at Exodus International aren’t buying Ted Haggard’s sudden conversion:

Well, the truth is that’s not my story, and it’s not the story of anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t know Ted Haggard’s journey over the last three weeks, but like Mark, I would say that it’s something that — it doesn’t seem like something that is really the case.

Our friends, the Saudis

The principal of an Islamic school has admitted that it uses textbooks which describe Jews as “apes” and Christians as “pigs” and has refused to withdraw them.

Dr Sumaya Alyusuf confirmed that the offending books exist after former teacher Colin Cook, 57, alleged that children as young as five are taught from racist materials at the King Fahd Academy in Acton.

The school, located in Great Britain, is owned, funded and operated by the government of Saudi Arabia.

Guns and wine

So what goes good with a .38 Special? A nice Bordeaux, perhaps? The NRA Wine Club has the answer:

The NRA Wine Club offers you the finest selections in great wine finds; selections that are all backed by a 100% guarantee of satisfaction.

Support the National Rifle Association and America’s second Amendment rights by purchasing your wine through the NRA Wine Club and have the convenience of home delivery on the finest wines that vineyards all over the world have to offer.

Always a good idea to mix drinking and guns.

Steve Martin, meet Salman Rushdie

I would imagine Muslim extremists are much better shots than the would-be assassin from “The Jerk.” Regardless, Martin better watch his back after publishing this hilarious essay lampooning 72 virgins (some highlights):

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . .

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.

Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.

Vote for Sarkozy

A French paper accused of insulting Muslims by printing cartoons of the Prophet Mohammad surprised a court hearing on Wednesday with a letter of support from presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy.

“I prefer an excess of caricatures to an absence of caricatures,” Sarkozy, the conservative interior minister who helped launch the French Muslim Council, wrote in a letter read out by a lawyer for the satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo.

Not surprisingly, Muslim groups don’t share his sense of humor.

The French Muslim Council held an emergency meeting later on Wednesday and some members urged resignations in protest, but its leader Dalil Boubakeur said no decision would be made now.

Maybe he meant he was “completely metrosexual”

Even the “ex-gays” at Exodus International aren’t buying Ted Haggard’s sudden conversion:

Well, the truth is that’s not my story, and it’s not the story of anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t know Ted Haggard’s journey over the last three weeks, but like Mark, I would say that it’s something that — it doesn’t seem like something that is really the case.

Our friends, the Saudis

The principal of an Islamic school has admitted that it uses textbooks which describe Jews as “apes” and Christians as “pigs” and has refused to withdraw them.

Dr Sumaya Alyusuf confirmed that the offending books exist after former teacher Colin Cook, 57, alleged that children as young as five are taught from racist materials at the King Fahd Academy in Acton.

The school, located in Great Britain, is owned, funded and operated by the government of Saudi Arabia.

Guns and wine

So what goes good with a .38 Special? A nice Bordeaux, perhaps? The NRA Wine Club has the answer:

The NRA Wine Club offers you the finest selections in great wine finds; selections that are all backed by a 100% guarantee of satisfaction.

Support the National Rifle Association and America’s second Amendment rights by purchasing your wine through the NRA Wine Club and have the convenience of home delivery on the finest wines that vineyards all over the world have to offer.

Always a good idea to mix drinking and guns.

Self-loathing alert

Another day, another irrelevant dose of manufactured outrage. Now the Stepford gays are up in arms over a Snickers ad that ran during the Super Bowl. It shows two men accidentally kissing and responding by ripping their chest hair out in order to prove their manliness (watch here). I may not be offended, but the Commercial Closet sure is:

Ads in this section may be funny to some, but they often use fear of same-sex attraction (homophobia) or “inappropriate” gender behavior (transphobia) — accompanied by a horrific reaction by someone straight — as their source of humor. Many ads that would already be funny purposely choose a “gay punchline” to heighten the joke. These ads do not meet Commercial Closet’s Best Practices.

Meanwhile, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation and the Human Rights Campaign predictably demanded that the ad be pulled. Mission accomplished.

I saw it at a party with mostly straight people, and it drew a few, uh, snickers … to which I reacted by curling up in fetal position and sobbing. Ah, if only I were more sensitive.

Seems to me the two guys in the ad were the ones made to look foolish. Homophobia is silly; witness the two dolts pulling their hair out to prove their hetero bona fides.

If you want to observe poor media representation of homosexuals, watch “Will and Grace” or “Queer as Folk.” Both reinforced gay stereotypes (swishy, trivial, sex-obsessed, whiny, etc.) yet were applauded as groundbreaking by the same organizations criticizing the Snickers ad.