via The Onion:
Bush Urges Iraqis To Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage;
Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams;
Daily Archives: January 1, 2007
Curing your holiday hangover
With a little help from Kathie Lee — you won’t wish it was last week any longer:
A hip hop version of " ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas."
The highlight of my holiday? Facilitating mild-mannered reporter Daniel Brownstein’s first table dance, albeit from a fiftysomething stripper (her son was my age) at Atlanta’s venerable Clairmont Lounge.
Some of the best of Peter Sellers
A comprehensive list would be impossible: 
Going one-on-one with James Mason, in a Stanley Kubrick film … sublime;
That’s sooo 2006
Lake Superior State University suggests banishing the following words and phrases in 2007:
GITMO — The US military’s shorthand for a base in Cuba drives a wedge wider than a split infinitive.
"When did the notorious Guantanamo Bay Naval Base change to ‘Gitmo,’ a word that conjures up an image of a fluffy and sweet character from a Japanese anime show?" — Marcus W., St. Louis, Missouri.
COMBINED CELEBRITY NAMES — Celebrity duos of yore — BogCall (Bogart and Bacall), Lardy (Laurel and Hardy), and CheeChong (Cheech and Chong) — just got lucky.
"It’s so annoying, idiotic and so lame and pathetic that it’s ‘lamethetic.’" — Ed of Centreville, Virginia.
AWESOME — Given a one-year moratorium in 1984, when the Unicorn Hunters banished it "during which it is to be rehabilitated until it means ‘fear mingled with admiration or reverence; a feeling produced by something majestic." Many write to tell us there’s no hope and it’s time for "the full banishment."
"Overused and meaningless.’ My mother was hit by a car.’ Awesome. ‘I just got my college degree.’ Awesome." — Robert Bron, Pattaya, Chonburi, Thailand.
GONE/WENT MISSING — "It makes ‘missing’ sound like a place you can visit, such as the Poconos. Is the person missing, or not? She went there but maybe she came back. ‘Is missing’ or ‘was missing’ would serve us better." — Robin Dennis, Flower Mound, Texas.
NOW PLAYING IN THEATERS — Heard in movie advertisements. Where can we see that, again?
"How often do movies premiere in laundromats or other places besides theaters? I know that when I want to see a movie I think about going to a shoe store." — Andrea May, Shreveport, Louisiana.
UNDOCUMENTED ALIEN — "If they haven’t followed the law to get here, they are by definition ‘illegal.’ It’s like saying a drug dealer is an ‘undocumented pharmacist.’" — John Varga, Westfield, New Jersey.
ARMED ROBBERY/DRUG DEAL GONE BAD — From the news reports. What degree of "bad" don’t we understand? Larry Lillehammer of Bonney Lake, Washington, asks, "After it stopped going well and good?"
CHIPOTLE – Smoked dry over medium heat.
"Prior to 2005 . . . a roasted jalapeno. Now we have a ‘chipotle’ burrito with ‘chipotle’ marinated meat, ‘chipotle’ peppers, sprinkled with a ‘chipotle’ seasoning and smothered in a ‘chipotle’ sauce. Time to give this word a rest." – Rob Zeiger, Bristol, Pennsylvania.
BOASTS — See classified advertisements for houses, says Morris Conklin of Lisboa, Portugal, as in "master bedroom boasts his-and-her fireplaces — never ‘bathroom apologizes for cracked linoleum,’ or ‘kitchen laments pathetic placement of electrical outlets.’"
Read the full list here.
The year in diatribes (the big one)
Longtime Malcontenters no doubt remember all the fun had between me and a certain, um, adversary, after this post:
Pardoning cowardice
Democratic gubernatorial hopefuls Mark Taylor and Cathy Cox are skipping this weekend’s Atlanta Pride festival, drawing predictable condemnation from local gay leaders.
Chuck Bowen, executive director of the state’s largest gay rights organization, Georgia Equality, said he is "disappointed" that neither Democrat will attend this year’s Pride festival, one of the largest events of its kind in the nation.
"There will be 250,000 people in [Piedmont Park] this weekend, and it’s a tremendous opportunity for them to meet Georgians from across the state and hear what we have to say," he said.
"Instead, they’re turning their backs on a large constituency."
Regrettable, perhaps, but understandable. Quoting myself, in a column I wrote for The Los Angeles Times a few years back, "The gay movement hasn’t matured; it’s grown stale. Pride marches have turned into shopworn cavalcades of been-there, done-that decadence."
Don’t you know the GOP would exploit that to the hilt? It’s easy to imagine a campaign commercial featuring Cox or Taylor speaking in front of a group of bears in leather jockstraps. Democrats have a hard enough time appealing to an increasingly conservative electorate without those sort of distractions.
And should people who wear leather jockstraps in public expect to be taken seriously? Granted, they’re not representative of the majority of Pride celebrants, but the minority is well represented by — shall we say — the outrageously flamboyant. I’m not for discrimination of any kind — and that includes the more freakish elements of the GLBT pie — but if you want "the establishment" to recognize, sometimes you have to play the game.
Besides, is this weekend even about politics? For some, yes, but most are just out for a good time.
Reality may be inconvenient, but we avoid it at our peril. The gay community’s justifiable struggle for relevance also requires a look inward. We may compare our crusade to the civil rights movement of the 1950 and 60s, but can we honestly say we comport ourselves with the dignity of those who marched on Selma?
(If you missed it the first time, I was told I had "a little self hatred for gayness." Just a little?)
Within the previous post I stated I have no trouble with the extremes of our community, but that you can’t expect people to take you seriously when you don’t take yourself seriously. If you wanna shake your ass in public, feel free — I’ve been there — but be prepared to accept the consequences of irrelevance.
In the end, I want the gay movement to mature, not flounder in platitudes and self-righteousness. Isn’t that a worthy goal?
Too bad you had to resort to name calling. Pretty intolerant, if you ask me.
(But the intolerance continued.)
Look, I apologize for not owning a Madonna album … am I not allowed in your club? That’s fine, but I’m not concerned with the petty queer establishment. I came to terms with that long ago.
I remember driving down to the Tara theater to see "Torch Song Trilogy," as I was gay and it was a movie about gays (a rare thing at the time). I looked for some security, but instead found distance. I didn’t want to be a screaming queen. I’m not flamboyant. I don’t cry a lot. I don’t feel the need to start every sentence with "As a gay person …" 
And I’m not alone. Many gay kids are kept in the closet because they don’t welcome the "Stepford Fags" archetype that awaits them, the one that listens to the same music, goes to the same gym and idolizes the same washed-up hags.
Criticize me for being contrarian, or even malcontented … that’s fair. But you’ve gone way too far with the self-loathing tag.
Now I suppose if I showed up at Pride today in my tighty-whiteys, then I’d be okay with me (by your way of thinking). Strange logic.
Wearing your undies in public doesn’t make you proud or brave … it makes you an exhibitionist who obviously didn’t get enough attention as a child. I’d say that about a straight person running around in cock huggers, as well. Why not hold ourselves to a higher standard?
And what is this gay culture you speak of? Regrettably, it’s become nothing more than a fulfillment of stereotypes created (mainly) by straight people. They’re comfortable with the nelly queen, a la Jack on "Will and Grace." It’s non-threatening. A gay person who challenges that orthodoxy is somehow unsettling … and apparently you share that conviction.
Does Chris Rock hate himself because he takes on the African-American community? I think not. I wouldn’t dare compare myself to Rock, but my mission is similar.
Maybe you should read my blog more thoroughly. I’ve dedicated plenty of space to the plight of homosexuals around the world (on an almost weekly basis). Sure, I’m plenty critical of our community here at home, but I see it as filling a void that desperately needs to be filled.
Be Pavlov’s dog all you want, I could care less. But don’t belittle those of us who want more.
Now go get your pride on, bitch!
