Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever

Thanks to Jennifer Echols, czarina of a local freelancing collective, for passing this along …

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. Here’s some of last year’s best:

*He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it;

*He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree;

*The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t;

*From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30;

*Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph;

*They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth;

*John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met;

*He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River;

*Shots rang out, as shots are known to do;

*The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while;

*He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something;

*It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

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One thought on “Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever

  1. I do like the one about the boat and bowling ball; and LOVE the one about Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth…I remember a short story a classmate wrote in college in which a character was described as having “tombstone teeth”…and I thought that was a pretty good visual!

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