It came from 1982

BillyjoelWilliam Joel, doing a poor Bruce Springsteen imitation (though, admittedly, I recall being excited by the brief glimpse of male nudity in this vid. We’re talking 24 years ago, when titillation was much harder to cum by. My straight friends had their dad’s "Playboy" collection to peruse, while I had to settle for two seconds of a Billy Joel video. Not fair).

Fortunately, the former Mr. Christie Brinkley remained clothed.

It came from 1982

BillyjoelWilliam Joel, doing a poor Bruce Springsteen imitation (though, admittedly, I recall being excited by the brief glimpse of male nudity in this vid. We’re talking 24 years ago, when titillation was much harder to cum by. My straight friends had their dad’s "Playboy" collection to peruse, while I had to settle for two seconds of a Billy Joel video. Not fair).

Fortunately, the former Mr. Christie Brinkley remained clothed.

Noted and quoted, religious right smackdown edition

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

–C.S. Lewis

Noted and quoted, religious right smackdown edition

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

–C.S. Lewis

Daddy, what does yield mean?

Father of the Year?

Meet Alfredo Martinez. While the Nevada man should be saluted for knowing that he was too drunk to get behind the wheel last night, he probably should not have tabbed his seven-year-old son as his designated driver. Martinez, 37, was arrested after Reno cops spotted his car weaving across lanes and stopping suddenly. When officers pulled over the vehicle before it could enter a highway, they found a plastered Martinez in the passenger seat and his son behind the wheel.

Daddy, what does yield mean?

Father of the Year?

Meet Alfredo Martinez. While the Nevada man should be saluted for knowing that he was too drunk to get behind the wheel last night, he probably should not have tabbed his seven-year-old son as his designated driver. Martinez, 37, was arrested after Reno cops spotted his car weaving across lanes and stopping suddenly. When officers pulled over the vehicle before it could enter a highway, they found a plastered Martinez in the passenger seat and his son behind the wheel.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever

Thanks to Jennifer Echols, czarina of a local freelancing collective, for passing this along …

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. Here’s some of last year’s best:

*He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it;

*He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree;

*The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t;

*From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30;

*Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph;

*They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth;

*John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met;

*He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River;

*Shots rang out, as shots are known to do;

*The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while;

*He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something;

*It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.