"Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking."
–Hank Hill
Daily Archives: June 15, 2006
Hainting life
After sampling a few minutes of Britney Spears‘ big TV interview Thursday night, I’m reminded of a term my grandfather often used to describe, shall we say, well-worn females — 
"That woman’s a haint."
"What’s a haint?"
"You know, a haint."
My grandfather was never big on explaining himself. Like when he introduced me to the adjective "pussel-gutted" …
"That woman’s pussel-gutted."
"What’s pussel-gutted mean?"
"You know, pussel-gutted."
BTW, pussel-guted means "fat," at least in the Boone family dictionary.
Induce vomiting now
Sick pic of the week, courtesy of gossip queen Perez Hilton –
Really, I should avoid such easy targets … not like you can’t find nine million other blogs that make sport of Star Jones. But, as John Denver sang, some days are diamonds, some days are gold. In other words, to quote Admiral Stockdale, I’m out of ammo.
Asshole of the week
Hard to believe, but our winner is a professional athlete — former Atlanta Brave Odalis Perez:
He stopped his O’s 45′s program, in which he bought 45 tickets for inner-city school children to attend his starts, after losing his starting job. He said he would not reinstate the program now that he is starting again because he felt he never got enough credit from the club or the public for his charitable contributions.
"When you spend your own money you want to be recognized for that," Perez said. "I don’t want to be a hero, but just pay more attention to what I’m doing. People don’t want to give me the recognition for it."
Okay, Odalis, I’ll recognize — You’re a fat piece of shit (literally) who’s just about pitched yourself out of the majors.
Noted and quoted
– Oscar Wilde
Why is that door locked?
As I find myself considering a job opportunity in Orlando (the world’s largest outdoor mall … not a compliment), I rationalize there’s worse places to be. Like, say, a Christian de-queerification gulag in Tennessee — 
At Love in Action’s residential program, (self-described ex-gay "survivor" Peterson Toscano said, “You could not spend more than 15 minutes a day in the bathroom with the door closed — you had to break that time up as best as you could. You were not allowed to wear Calvin Klein [underwear]; they didn’t want us to have facial hair; you couldn’t wear aftershave. It was very controlling. If you were in the early phase of the program you couldn’t be by yourself. You couldn’t watch television, listen to anything but Christian music; you had very limited access to people in the outside world. …The rules were inconvenient; but what makes it worse was the moral stigma: ‘You cannot be trusted.’ It eats away at a person, it’s very detrimental.”
I just don’t wanna be a peach
Georgia (via one of our elected representatives) gets skewered again on ““The Colbert Report,” and deservedly so —
When asked about his bill that requires the posting of The Ten Commandments in courthouses and other public buildings, Georgia congressman Lynn Westmoreland responded: “If we were totally without ‘em we’d lose our sense of direction.”
Colbert: “What are The Ten Commandments”?
Westmoreland: “You want me to name all 10 of ‘em?”
With some prodding, and the aid of charades, Westmoreland managed to come up with three:
“Don’t murder … don’t lie … don’t steal. “
Maybe the congressman should sponsor legislation placing The Ten Commandments in his office.
Even more celebrity masturbation
When did paunchy, gray and creepily eager-to-please become so attractive?
“American Idol” Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 “hottest bachelor” by People magazine — and he’s looking for love.
I hear Carol Channing is available.
The list also includes — brace yourself — Ryan Seacrest. Ladies, don’t hold your breath. I hear he’s taken … takin’ it up the ass. Heh heh, heh heh!
More entertainment media masturbation
Excerpted from Entertainment Weekly film critic Lisa Schwarzbaum’s review of the animated cash cow, “Cars” —
Reigning Pixar director John Lasseter grew up amid California car culture, the son of a Chevy parts-department manager, and — with co-director Joe Ranft (who died, tragically, in a car accident before the picture was completed) and the Pixar team — has created a work of American art as classic as it is modern.
I hate my dead gay son
Leftovers from the Senate debate over the federal marriage act, courtesy of columnist Kathleen Parker:
And perhaps Sen. James Inhofe, R-Okla., was just braggin’ during the marriage amendment debate when, in a memorable show-’n'-tell, he displayed a poster-sized photo of his extended family and said:
“As you see here, and I think this is maybe the most important prop we’ll have during the entire debate, my wife and I have been married 47 years. We have 20 kids and grandkids. I’m really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we’ve never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship.” Quite likely, the operative words here are “recorded history.” I’m pretty sure our family Bible doesn’t reflect the sexual orientation of our gay cousins, either, but just the same, Inhofe might consider dusting off the family rabbit’s foot and padlocking the closets.
Interesting that he failed to note he’d never had a recorded instance of goat fucking in his family history. Of course, Inhofe would probably consider that no worse than having, say, a queer uncle in his gene pool.
I just don’t wanna be a peach
Georgia (via one of our elected representatives) gets skewered again on ""The Colbert Report," and deservedly so —
When asked about his bill that requires the posting of The Ten Commandments in courthouses and other public buildings, Georgia congressman Lynn Westmoreland responded: "If we were totally without ‘em we’d lose our sense of direction."
Colbert: "What are The Ten Commandments"?
Westmoreland: "You want me to name all 10 of ‘em?"
With some prodding, and the aid of charades, Westmoreland managed to come up with three:
"Don’t murder … don’t lie … don’t steal. "
Maybe the congressman should sponsor legislation placing The Ten Commandments in his office.
Even more celebrity masturbation
When did paunchy, gray and creepily eager-to-please become so attractive?
"American Idol" Taylor Hicks is ranked as the No. 1 "hottest bachelor" by People magazine — and he’s looking for love.
I hear Carol Channing is available.
The list also includes — brace yourself — Ryan Seacrest. Ladies, don’t hold your breath. I hear he’s taken … takin’ it up the ass. Heh heh, heh heh!
